The More Intelligent Candidate
This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY".
The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates),
Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to
a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question
which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam
a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?
" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and
hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references.
She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.
Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends.
All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.
Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
Letter of Erap to son JV
Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito
dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang
iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi
ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari
sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero
huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang
address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address.
Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng
Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na
washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik.
kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa
naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang
beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules,
yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.
Tungkol nga pala sa coat na gusto mong ipadala namin... masyado raw
mabigat sabi ni Orly kung isasama yung mga butones. kaya pasensiya ka
na kung tinanggal namin bago namin ipadala. Nilagay naman namin sa
bulsa para hindi mawala.
Ay naku! Alam mo bang basang-basa kami nung martes(nung unang umulan
last week)? Naiwan kasi nitong si Senator Tito yung susi ng BMW niya
sa loob.E nakabukas pa naman ang sunroof ! Basang-basa tuloy ang
interior! mabuti na lamang at gumanap na carnapper itong si Jinggoy
nung araw kaya nabuksan niya ang kotse mula sa labas. Ang kaso mo, ng
pumasok kami ni Jinggoy,naiwan si senator tito sa labas at hindi na
naman niya mabuksan ang kotse! WALA na NAMAN sa kanya ang susi. &^&@%*
mga artistang politiko talaga yan! Hindi gumagamit ng IQ... muntik na
kaming malunod nuon ah!
Naalala ko tuloy yung pinsan kong nahulog sa tangke ng whiskey! Marami
sana ang gustong sumagip pero pinilit pa ring niyang uminom at libre!
Ayun,nalunod at pina-cremate ---- anim na araw rin ang binilang bago
natapos ang apoy... kaya pag namatay ako, hindi ako paki-cremate...
Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung
lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie.
Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito
na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan
gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang
naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!!
Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no?
P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre...
A cub reporter was complaining about the
President's accessibility to the
media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he
said it is harder now to get
through the President compared to those days when
he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The
mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo
yan! In fact they have installed a
very sophisticated telephone system over at
Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset
and presto you can talk to the
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly
ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?
Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and
dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT.
IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU
WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS
TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE
HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent
reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the
instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING
SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD,
SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG
NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA
SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!
With the current hostage problem in Jolo by the Abu Sayaf, here
are the mottos of different parties involved in this hostage crisis :
For the Army . . . . . . . "No pain, no gain."
For the Air Force . . . . "No guts, no glory."
For the Marines . . . . . "No fight, no surrender."
For the Abu Sayaf's . . "No ransom, no release."
For Erap . . . . . . . . . . "No read, no write."
The Russian president is in Manila on a state visit. Driving
into Malacañang with Erap, he sees a man peeing against the wall.
He says, "In Russia we send people to the prison camps in Siberia,
the coldest part of Russia, for doing that."
A year later the its President Erap turn for a state visit
to Russia. Driving into the Kremlin in Moscow they see a man peeing
against the wall. He says to the Russian president, "I thought you send
people to the prison camps for doing that."
"I wish I could, but I can't", said the Russian president, "that's
the Philippine Ambassador."
Erap on Golf
Being a new golfer Erap must learn the game's ethics.
If you hit the ball and you are afraid someone may get
hit, it is a courtesy to yell "fore" , not Erap, he yells
"isa" because its just one ball.
He lost count of round's score after 100 strokes, go figure.
Erap settles even scores with a fist fight.
He calls his caddie, "Ka Eddie".
He loves to bet his wife for yours in the round.
He drinks "tea" on tee time.
He considers 10 footer putts as "gimmes".
His favorite hole is the 19th hole.
Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two.
The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese
asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"
GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien
Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in
The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native
language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"
JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan!
Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."
ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and
looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen
closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND
ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX!!
On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration
area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES
ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to
look for sport props.
The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.
ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"
The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.
ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi
basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and
finds a bundle of barbed wire.
"Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.
Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's
ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"
KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)
Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:
"Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"
DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE
Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
Beverly Hotel without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
MAKING A SPEECH
While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?
Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.
Erap to criminals: Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to politicians: Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to Monica Lewinski: Ako naman subukan mo!
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of
a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance
to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner
starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able
to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!". The people watching
the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started
counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!".
Q & A AGAIN
Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.
Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6
Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5
Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7
Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but
Plan assasination for Erap failed.
Erap was shot in the head with
.45 caliber pistol but survived dahil
walang utak na tinamaan.
Kumakalat na warning Text ngayon:
Be careful, Erap is checking all text
messages ngayon. Text in English
para di ma-detect.
Talumpati ni Erap:
"Ngayong bagong milenyo, tapos na
ang problema natin sa Komunismo,
Tapos na rin ang problema natin sa
Imperyalismo. Ang problema nalang
natin ngayon ay Ako mismo."
Sir, ano po ba ang pinagawa nyong sticker na
Ah,yan ba? Tinagalog ko lang yung dating
slogan na "THE FILIPINO CAN".
Di ba mas maganda ngayon?
Sir, over fatigue na yata ang mga
sundalo natin na lumalaban sa
ABU SAYYAFF" sabi ng isang Heneral kay
Erap. Ganon ba? tanong ni Erap.
"Osige, pagpalitin mo lahat sila ng
Khaki for a change."
Kumain sa isang sosyal na Restaurant si FVR at ERAP.
FVR: Give me a Swiss Steak and French fries.
Erap: Ako rin, give me sweeptakes and first prize too.
Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila.
FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex?
ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa
nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.
Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil
huli na ito sa meeting.
Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo.
Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako
rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang
Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang
oras kang nakatayo roon habang
naghihintay ka ng koryente?
Aide: ganon na nga po.
Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido!
Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang
Isang araw, nagpasya si Erap na
maglakbay sa pamamagitan ng
pagsakay ng barko. Hindi pa nakakalayo ang
barko ng bigla itong lumubog.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto, isang rescue
team ang dumating. At ni-rescue
si erap ng isang kabataang lalake.
Erap: Sabihin mo kung ano ang
gusto mong gantimpala at ibibigay
ko sa yo?
Lalaki: wheelchair po.
Erap: Bakit wheelchair e hindi ka
Lalaki: Dahil po pag nalaman ng
tatay ko na iniligtas ko kayo,
siguradong pipilayan nya po ako.
LOST IN LA
Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go
to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost
fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.
He called his assistant and said
Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.
Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?
Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76
Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76
gas station in downtown L.A.
Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You
won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking
sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"
ERAP IN LIBRARY
Erap in Library
"What time does the library open?" Erap on the
"Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea
of calling me at home in the middle of the night
to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed
sadly. "I want to get out!"
ERAP VISITING ALASKA
Pumunta si Erap sa Alaska,pagdating duon,tinanong
siya kung kumusta ang weather sa Pilipinas.
Sagot ni Erap,"Here in Alaska it's cold.....but in the
Philippines it's hot".
Nagtaka ngayon ang isang Alaskan repoter at tinanong si
Sagot si Erap..."cause you see,the sun here in Alaska
is only 110 volts .....in the Philippines,it's 220!"
After finishing the main course at lunch meeting with Clinton.
Erap is asked if he would like another serving.
Erap replies politely: "No thank you. I'm fed up already."
A chemical engineer, an accountant and a Erap are arguing about
who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog and says
"Liter, do your stuff." Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker
in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and
pours exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without
spilling a drop. The accountant smiles and says, "Good, but
He calls his dog and says," Abacus, do your stuff". Abacus goes
to the kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts
out six, which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking
or eating any.
Erap sneers and yells out "Coffee Break, go for it." Coffee
Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, takes a dump
on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs, complains that
in doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working
conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on
HIGH TECHNOLOGY ON CELL PHONE
You'd be amazed at the sophistication of this technology! With the
advance in technology, a well-established mobile phone company has
finally come out with a dialing technology that is better than Phillip's
voice-dial. This new dialing technology is known as "brain-dial. "To
make a call, the user will just have to think of the party's nameand
the phone will make the call for the user. During trial test inAsia,
the company decided to let the leaders of the Asian countries to try
out. With the phone on his ear, Taiwan's premier, Lee Teng Hui,try to
call the CEO of Acer by thinking his name and the phone actuallydial
In Malaysia, PM Mahathir was also offered to be a trial user. With the
phone on his ear, he think of calling his Foreign Minister, within a
few seconds the phone dialed the number for him and they chatted for
a long period regarding Anwar's torture. When the trial test come to
Indonesia, Mr. Habibie decided to use the phone to call his wife, with
this on his mind the phone automatically dialed the number and they have
a long chat.
Finally the phone has been sent to Singapore for Goh Chok Tong. With
the phone, Mr. Goh used the brain-dialing function to call BG Lee Hsian
Yang to persuade him to let Singtel Mobile have the phone to be on the
market for sale as soon as it is released worldwide. With the impressive
trial-test results, the engineers are confident that there are no bugs
in the phone and decided to release the phone on the Asian market.
But after looking at the trial result they felt the Philippines have
been left out. One sunny day, Joseph Estrada was out fishing on his new
presidential yacht, he received the trial-test phone. He decided to call
his first lady Loi Estrada using brain-dialing function, so that he can
boast to his wife that he caught a lot of fishes. He tried the brain-dialing
for half a day but the brain-dialing just won't work. An error message
was displayed on the screen.
SORRY, NO BRAIN DETECTED. PLS. TRY AGAIN LATER.
Tawa naman kayo diyan!
Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"
One particular day many years ago, Erap's
wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"
Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?
Erap: Clue please !!!
Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"
Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"
Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....
Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...
Emcee: ngyek !!!...
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
(as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......
Submitted by Barok
While having talks with Muslim rebels,
the rebels decided to kidnap and hold ERAP
"Being ERAP the president, we demand $1 Billion
for his release otherwise, we'll behead him.",demanded
the rebel group.
Having a budget deficit, the government negotiators decided
that for the country's good they'll let ERAP be sacrificed.
They think he will understand the crisis.
So the government negotiator said " NO, you can have ERAP."
A few days later, they asked" How about a million not dollars
The government again said "NO, you can have ERAP."
After several weeks the rebel group asked for another talk.
Sensing that they will have ERAP for good, the rebels asked
"How about just get him back."
They government finally accepted because they do not have to
pay any more ransom.
Once back, the reporters asked ERAP, "Mr. President, how come they
let you go without any ransom?"
ERAP said, "They asked my request before I die and I said let me marry
one of your women each day in captivity until the day you'll kill me.
Being president, they said OK that I deserved it. The first day I
married one beautiful muslim woman, the second day another, the third
day another and so on. After 30 days, they said no more - they run out
of women. They were thinking of sending me to Malaysia if no one will
ransom me but the Malaysians said they will invade the rebel's
hideout if they do. So they decided to just give me back."
A reporter asked, "Sir, why not just kill you instead."
ERAP replied, " With my 30 muslim wives, that won't be a good idea."
Cofee shop in New York. Erap is thinking of what to order.
The man to his left ask for "Coffee and Danish."
The man to his right, "Coffee and English."
Erap, with confidence and pride: "Coffee and Filipino!"
Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and
elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?
Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can
you say about the economy?"
Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."
What's the difference between Erap and Magic?
Magic is an illusion, Erap is real.
What's the similarities?
The audience think they're both entertaining.
THE POPE AND ERAP
During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then
Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just
announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of
the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
ERAP SA JEOPARDY
Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"...
Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto"
Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....!
Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa"....
Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...
Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas..
ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."
Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor"
Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!!
Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor
Hinimatay ang Emcee.
Erap while translating a speech from Tagalog to English.
"We must strive"
Translation: Kailangan nating magsikap.
"We must help others"
Translation: Kailangan nating magtulungan.
"In union there is strenght"
Translation: SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!
In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.
Update Date August 30,2000
FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?
ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!
Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming
PSG para makalabas.
"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.
Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.
"Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?"
tanong ng reporter.
"Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand
for sex, my wife supplies?"
Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"
"Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni
Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.
SEX IN THE MOVIES
Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"
Erap: "I am against it. Ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex
sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan."
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:
Reporter: First love?
Erap: Never dies, syempre.
Reporter: About your first crush?
Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.
Reporter: When is your birthday?
Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday)
Reporter: What year?
Erap: Every year.
ERAP AND UN
What's UN's favorite drink?
Erap: Of course, 7up, the UNcola.
What's UN official dog?
Erap: Of course, the "UNderdog".
What's UN official Motto?
Erap: Do UNto others, what you don't want others to do UNto you.
What's UN official drink?
Erap: Of course, Kofi Annan.
While in New York city, a Erap bumped a NY Bronx man.
Man: Hey, watch where you're goin' you "MUDAFUCKA".
Erap : Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala, "MADAFA KA RIN SANA"!!
In a Japanese restaurant.
Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.
Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.
Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,
"I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks
ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE
While in a drug store.
Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Pharmacist : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!
The Estrada's ' were shown into the dentist's office, where
Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or
any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."
MASAKIT ANG TIYAN
Erap: Doc, ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko.
DOC: Ang ulo, parang tiyan, pag walang laman sumasakit!
On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to
pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot t
ells Erap: "Sir, enemy plane comming in at 5 o'clock."
Erap replies: "Good. We have time to plan our moves.
It's only 4:25 by my watch."
Doctor: What happened to your ears?
Erap: I was ironing my pants when the phone rang and
I picked up the iron instead.
Doctor: What happened to your other ear?
Erap: The Son of a Bitch called back.
ERAP: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo.
Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.
PARE :Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.
ERAP: Hindi, historical talaga, pare.
Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang
inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.
Eraps walks into a casino where he see's a coke vending machine.
He puts in some money and a coke falls out. He smiles and keeps
putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. He does
this for about an hour or so until an aide comes up to him and says
"Havent you had enough, Sir?" and he says back, "No! Cant you see I'm
Pierce Brosnan resigned from being James Bond
and was substituted by a filipino actor named Joseph Estrada.
IQ 007, First movie "His Brain Is Not Enough."
Soon to be shown to theatres near you.
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love
messages tulad ng:
ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang
gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:
ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should
Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras,
napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries"
order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
sagot ni Erap.
Sa Japanese ang gago o tanga "Da",
Pag masyadong tanga "Honda",
Sobrang tanga "Mazda"
Saksakan ng tanga "Estrada"
ABU SAYYAF TO SERVE THE ERAP'S GOVERNMENT
With the continuing worsening of the situation and
with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Jolo,
the government has seriously considered negotiating
with the Abu Sayyaf. One of the recommendations made
in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and
hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve
Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his
Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended that
Erap start hiring Muslims and commission them to
head up the government agencies. Initially, with
their qualifications and experiences, the following
will be assigned to the these agencies of the
Dept. of Justice - Abu Gado
Dept. of National Defense - Abu Rido
Dept. of Finance - Abu Nado
Dept. of Social Welfare - Abu Loy
Bureau of Customs - Abu Tan
Phil. National Police - Abu Sado
Dept. of Tourism - Abu So
Dept. of Health - Abu Lario
ERAP AND ST. PETER
Hindi mo ba alam na narating na ni Erap ang
pintuan ng langit?
Ito ang nangyari:
SAN PEDRO: Anong pangalan? (may hawak nang
ERAP: Erap po
SAN PEDRO: Ahhh, ikaw pala si Erap, Titingnan
ko ang pangalan mo sa aklat ng buhay. (sabay bukas ng
Ummmmm, Makakapasok ka sa pintuan ng langit
kung masasagot mo ang isa man langsa tatlo kong
SAN PEDRO: 1st question, Anu-anong mga araw sa
isang linggo ang nagsisimula sa titik "T"?
ERAP: Today and Tomorrow.
SAN PEDRO: Ayyyy naku! Mali!! Pero may
pangalawang pagkakataon ka pa. Ito ang pangalawang
pagsubok. How many seconds are there in one year?
ERAP: Syempre 12!
SAN PEDRO: Ha! Bakit 12 lang?
ERAP: Kasi po, di ba maroong Jan 2nd, February
SAN PEDRO: (Medyo nainis na) Alam mo mabait
lang talaga ako, kaya siguro naman masasagot mo na
itong huli kong tanong. What is the name of our
ERAP: Eh di, si Harold po.
Muntik ng mabatukan si Erap) Sige
nga, ipaliwanag mo kung bakit Harold ang sagot mo.
ERAP: Kasi po, sa tuwing nagdadasal ako, ganito
"Our Father "Harold" be thy name....."
(Kaya hanggang ngayon kasama parin natin si
WHAT IS III
NORA: Pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
ERAP: Dats ezy! eh di pang LIMA! kaya nga "PIP"
ang tawag sa kanya eh!
A text message are now roaming around saying:
"Mr. President, the people
are JUETENG for you to resign !!!"
"Does that mean VP Gloria Macapagal - Arroyo
is President in Jueteng?"
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock
of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of
fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of
wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
Di anser is "asociation".
NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was
shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na
An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.
An Erap's pregnant sister was involved in a car accident and,
while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer
carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother
of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should
know that while you were in a coma, Erap named the children for
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not him! He's not really all
together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
TEXT JOKES I
This is the text mesage going around:
ATONG pa ANG inaantay mo MR.PRESIDENT.
The people are "JUETENG " for you to resign.
Hindi mo MALULUCIOTAN ITO. NACHABIT ka na!
Kabayan ipasa ito para makarating kay ERAP.
Bakit ang SARAO naging SARADO?
Kasi mahina ang driver ng JEEP ni ERAP.
NALUCIOTAN NA, NACHABIT PA.
As a boy, ERAP went to school everyday with his dog.
But later, they had to separate and ERAP went to school alone.
WHY ? BECAUSE THE DOG GRADUATED.
IF ERAP COULD ONLY SPEAK HIS MIND,
HE WOULD BE "SPEECHLESS"
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
SEER to LOI: ERAP will not finish his term.
He will be killed.
LOI was shaken , then composed herself
before asking: WILL I BE ACQUITED?
Pumasok si ERAP sa Starbucks.
ERAP: Coffee please.
Waiter:Would you like your coffee BLACK?
ERAP: H m m m, WHAT OTHER COLOR DO YOU HAVE?
Teacher to ERAP: Name the 4 seasons.
ERAP : KNORR , MAGGI, A1 AND TABASCO
GUEST: Sarap ng luto ng Misis mo!
ERAP: Kasi mayroon siyang "URINARY SKILLS"
SEER to ERAP; you will die on a holiday.
ERAP: which holiday.?
SEER: ANY DAY YOU DIE WILL BE A HOLIDAY!
VIP'S ON A SINKING SHIP:
CLINTON: What do we do?
YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT.
ARAFAT: ALL WOMEN FIRST.
SADDAM:FUCK THE WOMEN!
ERAP: TALAGA! MAY ORAS PA BA?
Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente.
"Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles,
wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."
ERAP'S WORDS OF WISDOM
If the cat is away, the mouse is alone.
If others can do it, don't help anymore.
Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.
Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.
USE SENTENCE AGAIN
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y
estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang may ginagawang di naisnais
sa office niya.
"Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
"Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"
Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan
kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.
"Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
"Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas
dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba
ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at
susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
"Ang bait ni Erap."
"Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng
kailangan niya eh."
"Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
"Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong
din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"
"Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang
interviewer kay Erap.
"Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."
"Ano po 'yun?"
"Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."
Madam Auring's Text Forecast;
Good News: Erap will resign.
Bad news: Jinggoy will become President.
Worse news: Jude (his other son, rumored to be gay)
will become first Lady.
Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.
"Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng
"Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.
"I love to make love to a girl" paliwanag ng tomboy.
Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho
tayo ng hilig!"
SATAN AND ERAP
Satan appeared to Erap. Satan: I have a proposal -- you will finish
your term, but in return I want your soul.
Erap: Teka muna (Just a moment), what's the catch?
Loi: Mahal, Ikinuha kita ng insurance (My love, I got you an
Erap: Anong klase (What kind), life insurance?
Loi: Fire insurance, dahil doon ang punta mo pag namatay ka (because
that is where you will go after you die).
Vatican warned Sin that he will go to hell while Erap will go to heaven.
Why? 'Cuz when Sin talks, people sleep. When Erap talks, the nation prays.
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata Lactacyd."
Q AND A
Q: How does Erap say "Fuck You All" to the Filipino people in Tagalog?
A: "Malinis ang aking konsyensya" ("My conscience is clear," his favorite refrain
when aked about the latest scandal to hit him)
Q: Bakit ayaw mag-resign ni Erap? (Why doesn't Erap want to resign?)
A: Kasi hindi niya alam kung kanino ia-address ang resignation letter niya.
(Because he doesn't know to whom to address his resignation letter).
Di na kayo naawa kay Erap. Di na kayo nahiya. Wala na kayong nakitang lokohin
kungdi siya. Di ba ninyo alam na hulog siya ng langit? Una nga lang an ulo kaya tanga
(You have no pity for Erap. You have no shame. You can't pick on anyone else but him.
Don't you know he is heaven-sent? Except that he was dropped head first)
LEARN MORE JAPANESE
You are a liar: Dongpunokane (a play on the palace spokesman, Dong Puno)?
Masyado kang sipsip (you're too much of a boot licker): Miriamkane
(a play on Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago)?
Lasenggo, sugarol, mataba, magnanakaw, bobo, etc.: Erapkane?
Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center.
ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap.
"Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.
"Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng
asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang
sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang
eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
"Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang
babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.
"Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa
tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun at huwag natin
sa lalake !"
Erap: Before the end of my term, I guarantee that the dollar-peso exchange rate
will be one dollar is to one kilo of peso.
Similarity between Marcos and Erap: Both have AIDS. Marcos's AIDS: Acquired
Income Deposited in Switzerland. Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.
HARD AT WORK
Mga Kabayan: (1) Our beloved President can always be found (2) hard at work
with his Cabinet, without (3) wasting the country’s resources on cronies. He never
(4) thinks twice about helping our countrymen, and he (5) decides firmly on political
matters. He has absolutely no (6) vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound
(7) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be (
classified as a
high-caliber leader, the type who can’t be (9) dispensed with anytime. PS: Read only
the odd-numbered lines.
The crisis in America is that they still don’t have a President.
The crisis in the Philippines is that we still have a President.
Another: Marcos was in red. Cory was in yellow. Ramos was in blue.
But Erap is in peach.
LEARN NEW FOREIGN WORDS
"ERAP" in different languages:
Japanese -- Haritanga (king of the dumb);
Chinese -- Tatai-jueteng (father of illegal gambling)
Arabic -- Ali Bobo (stupid)
African -- Akimpa Yola (the payoff's mine!)
German -- Dapat Ousten (he shoud be ousted)
French -- Vo Vous (another play on bobo, or stupid);
Indian --Talsikh Nhatin (let's get rid of him).
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL !!
LOI - Lady Often Insulted.
GUIA - Girl Using Intimacy for Advantage.
LAARNI - Lamang sa Ari-Arian kaya No Imik
(she bested the rest in amassing the
estate, so she's silent and contented).
Q: If Loi is First Lady, ano naman si Guia (What is Guia)?
A: Lady in jueteng (illegal gambling, with jueteng pronounced like "waiting").
Q: Ano naman si Jinggoy (What is his son, Jinggoy)?
A: Anak ng jueteng (son of illegal gambling, a play on a Filipino cussword).
Q: Ano naman si Gloria Macapagal Arroyo (What is Vice-President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo)?
A: jueteng (illegal gambling) and hoping.
I'm not sure what life could bring you
I'm not sure if dreams come true
I'm not sure what love can do
But I'm very sure about one thing: YOKO K ERAP
(I don't want Erap, in short message service lingo.)
"That's one way we are efficient in this country.
It's their electoral college which is the trouble.
Look at me, not even college, yet I'm president!" the ERAP said.
Erap is thinking what to say to Bush if ever he gets elected.
"If (George W.) Bush should win, I should congratulate him
for looking so young...By golly, when he was vice-president
of my idol Ronald Reagan, he already had white hair."
ERAP CAN'T HIDE
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bummer day on the day
that you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 AM, the first
person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the
gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man, "Before I let you
in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to
my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught
my wife obviously having an affair....but her lover was
nowhere in sight. Immediately I began
searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me
as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I
was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony. Out there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I rushed back inside to get the
first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it,
pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so
great that I had a heart ttack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,
"OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next man on line came up. The Angel said,
"Greetings, friend. Before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
The man said, "You're not going to believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger
tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man
comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up
on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy
push his refrigerator - of all things - off the balcony. It falls the
25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.
"Very well sir," the Angel announces, "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, President Estrada
comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like
the day you died.
"Estrada replies, "Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ERAP
In the beginning, Jose Marcelo Ejercito studied at the Ateneo de Manila.
And that school was filled with darkness and chaos because of him, so they
Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be LIGHTS, CAMERA,
ACTION!" And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action movies, and they
loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born. And it was so, in the evenings
and mornings of his second decade.
And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to fill my nights,
celestial bodies to fill my bed, with beauty queens and actresses of all
shapes and sizes." And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said,
"Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name! In my name
shall, ye fill the earth and subdue it." And the starlets begot him
children, JV, JR, and other illegitimate children too numerous to mention,
and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very good. And it
so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade.
Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess' on the face of the
earth, and he knelt and kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and said,
"Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge undying loyalty to thee and
thine own. Whether thou goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do." And so
then Martial Law was declared, Erap set an example. He imprisoned those who
opposed him, threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with violence if they
did not comply. He did all the things that were right in his eyes, and no
one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side.He ruled like a lord in his fief,
and saw that it was good, very good. And it was so, on the mornings and
evenings of his fourth decade.
And during the past few decades, Erap said, "Let there be wine, smoke and
jueteng. Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses. Let me be a shining
example of all these vices. Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and be merry
for tomorrow I will do it again." And it was so.
But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow Brigade, because his god
went to Hawaii. He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo. And Da Apo
died in Hawaii, kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer, where his widow,
Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani to
this day. Erap was distraught, his god died, and he was fired by the canaries.
And he raised his fist and shook it against the Yellow President and her
cronies and said, "BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU! (Balang araw, ako ay
maghihiganti!) I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)" And
the earth trembled at his oath. And for a time there was some progress in
the Philippines after Cory, but when the elections came, Erap said to the
huddled, bleeding and ignorant masses, "IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO
KAYO! AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!" And the masses, like sheep to the
laughter, did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper
English) VICTORY, to show the world that I am the president the masses
love!" And it was so.
And there was weeping and gnashing of teeth among the educated and the
enlightened, for they knew that darkness and chaos had come not only in
Ateneo, but the whole archipelago. But the masses cheered their hero, who
was really a Macoy loyalist all the way. And Erap wanted his Ilokano 'god'
buried with honors at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not let
him, and he relented.
Then all the cronies, all the kamag-anaks, kabits and 'toma'-dachis were
appointed. People with questionable backgrounds went to the offices of
ministers, assistant ministers, secretaries of state. The 'bebble gam'
king became minister of defense. The son of 'god' became the governor of
Ilocos Norte, his widow, Imeldific a senator, while the daughter of 'god'
became congresswoman. Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.
And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The first to feel his wrath
were James Gordon of Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling)
of the Board of Censors Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo,
mayors both, not for winning in public office but for running in the
opposition party. Joey Marquez was next.
Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were persecuted and harassed with
unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies. He bullied that small newspaper,
the Manila Times and its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and
spurious charges of tax evasion. And the Gokongweis apologized and
withdrew the article, and Erap smiled that crooked smile, and walked that
crooked walk, and said, "I won again!"
And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed. he SAL (statement of
assets and liabilities to track down possible candidates for kidnap or
blackmail?), the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law) encouraged by
this right hand man, Ping Lacson, the abolition of English as a second
language I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing a brain
drain these days, it might just work), legalizing gambling as a form of
revenue jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).
And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap in the office of
Malacanang: the textbook scandal at DECS, the pyramid scam by Reli
German's ex-wife, Baby; the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth parentage
with Erap); the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con, the
hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons? That is
punishment!); the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino
funds; the Imelda Marcos'pardon'; the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit; the vcr
tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord; releasing the sons of
Freddie Webb (Hubert Webb for the Visconde massacre) and Dolphy's son for
arson and homicide for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother
and children in it) just because their fathers are Erap's buddies.
And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?" In a little while, after
6 years, you may see it. Then again, you may not. And the misdeeds of
Erap,his eraptions and his shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still
being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).
Thus endeth this gospel (for now).
Some people say it's funny and others say not. Judge for yourself.
KAIBAHAN NI ERAP AT NI ADAN.....
Si Adan, kaibigan ni Lord,
Si Erap, kaibigan Druglord.
Si Adan, asawa si Eba,
Si Erap, asawa Eba-iba.
Si Adan, natukso ni Eba,
Si Erap, natukso sa pera.
Si Adan, wala pa nuong alam,
Si Erap, hanggang ngayon walang alam.
Si Adan, bibo,
Si Erap, bobo.
In heaven, every one has a lie clock.
Every time you lie the clock
moves. Mother Teresa's clock never moved.
Lincoln's clock moved only twice.
ERAP's clock is being used by St. Peter as electric fan.
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.
Americans are complaining they still have no President.
Filipinos are complaining " WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT"
------ibigay na lang kaya natin si ERAP sa mga Americano.
Its going to be a White Christmas this year for us.
"MAMUMUTI ANG MGA MATA NYO PERO HINDI MAG RE-RESIGN SI ERAP".
ERAP PRAYER: GAMBLING FATHER, WHO IS IN JUETENG, HAKOT BE THY NAME, THY
KICKBACK COME, THY WEALTH BE DONE, IN WACK WACK AS IN SAN JUAN. AMEN.
Si ERAP nagsimba.- nasa "sign of peace" na. Sabi ng katabi niya - "
IMPEACH BE WITH YOU"
LORD, Help our President overcome all of the accusations of Gov.Singson.
"LET HIM REST IN PEACE +++++++.
Oficial band music for the President of the U S - HAIL TO THE CHIEF
Official band music for ERAP - HAIL TO THE THIEF!
ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper
which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go
and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice.
ERAP CLAPPED! ! !
Question: If people call ERAP "BUWAYA" what would you call Sonny Osmena?
ANS: An ali"GAY"tor.
ERAP walked to the Librarian and said: This is the most boring book I
have ever read, It has no plot yet so many characters.
LIBRARIAN: So it was you who took our PHONE BOOK! !
Erap's definition of democracy:
Government off the people, poor the people, and buy the people.
Similarities between Erap and Bro. Mike:
1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor.
Erap and Cory were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only
one. Cory said she will let go and gave speech about women always making
sacrifice. Erap clapped.
ERAP'S MI ULTIMO
Erap's Mi Ultimo Adios
El parte de jueteng wala na
Mi compadres lords nabuking na
El mansions mi queridas envistiga
Mi amigos de la Camara el ultimo pag-asa.
Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa tokens sa casino.
AN ERAP X'MAS CAROL
He sees you when you are gambling,
He knows when you are drunk,
He knows if you've been in bed with girls,
So RESIGN for progress' sake.
NEW ERAP COMMERCIAL
Introducing Mr.unCLEAN, ang Presidenteng sanhi
ng dumi't mantsa. Nabibili sa suking juetengan.
Mula sa P&G-Prosper when you Gamble.
Bush-240 electoral votes, Gore-249 electoral votes.
Erap, pakisaksak naman sa 220 electrical volts.
Q: Why is the Philippines called a banana republic?
A: Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president.
Q: Why can't Erap resign?
A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.
Watch ABS-CBN News for the flash report regarding Erap! He
just stepped down . . . . . . . . . . . .
from his jeep!
A man entered Malacanyang Palace and shouted: "Tanga si Erap 3X. He was
convicted and was sentenced for 2 months in jail for oral defamation and 20
years for revealing a government secret.
GOOD AND BAD
Good news: Pumayag na si Erap na magresign dahil sa people power.
Bad news: Ayaw daw niya sa Hawaii magpaexile. Gusto niya sa Las Vegas.
Erap and Jueteng Lord's Prayer:
Gambling father who art in jueteng
Hakot be thy name; Thy kickback come, thy wealth be done in
Wack Wack as it is in San Juan.
Nagkita si Erap at si Judas sa hell.
Judas: Bakit lakad mo pare, tagilid?
Erap: Putris na Singson yun! Kung magdala ng pera, isang bag
na panay papel at iyong isa puro barya!
Tawag sa basang pintura - wet paint
Hitsurang basa - wet look
Nabasang underwear while sleeping - wet dreams
Presidente na basa na ang papel - Wet Teng Lord
Q AND A
Q: Why does Tessie A. Oreta love to accept bribes?
A: Because she loves her brother Ninoy so much, she enjoys
looking at those P500 bills.
Joseph Estrada's name contains 13 letters.
He is the 13th President, has 13 kids and with an IQ of 13.
Erap's impeachment was proposed on October 13.
Articles of Impeachment were sent to the Senate on November 13
and Erap will resign on December 13.
ED'S NOTE: Not true, he's stil there.
Erap's legacy to the Filipino people . . . .
May mga members ng El Shaddai ang galit na galit na kay Erap
kaya nagtayo sila ng bagong grupo laban kay Erap.Tinawag nila itong
. . . . . ERAP SHALDIE.
Erap’s Ma: Maawa naman kayo kay Erap. Masyado naman siyang kawawa.
Cory Aquino: Bakit naman?
Erap’s Ma: Kasi nuong nag-aaral pa siya, hindi siya nakatapos.
Ngayong Presidente na siya, hindi pa rin yata makakatapos.
Reporter: Mr. President, how do you keep all your women happy?
Erap: Pa sing sing lang yan. Konting romansing and a lot of housing.
Heard that Erap, Chavit and Atong Ang are coming up with a movie. "My Best
PAL pilot before landing: Mr. President, we have begun our descent to NAIA.
Please fasten your zipper and return Weng to her upright position.
Q: Kung ang tawag kay Marcos ay diktador, ano ang kay Erap?
A: Eh di kubrador.
Christmas carol for Erap, sung to the tune of ‘‘You Better Watch Out.’’
‘‘He sees you when you are gambling,
He knows when you are drunk,
He knows if you’ve been in bed with girls,
So RESIGN for progress’ sake.’’
Meanings of ERAP:
Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak
First Metro Manila Impeachment Film Festival
1. "SUGATANG PUSO"
Kuwento ng isang pangulong sugatan ang puso dahil ipinagkanulo ng kanyang
matatalik na kaibigan.
Kuwento rin ng isang Unang Ginang na may sugatang puso dahil makailang ulit
na pinagtaksilan ng babaerong asawa.
STARRING: Joseph Estrada, Luis Chavit Singson at Loi Ejercito.
2. "TANGING YAMAN" (subtitle: 'TANGINA, ANG YAMAN!)
Kuwento ng isang presidenteng gumamit ng alias upang maitago ang kanyang
1.2 billion pesos na ilegal na yaman sa isang bangko. Sa isang
kapana-panabik na eksena sa pelikula, buong tapang na tinanong ng private
prosecutor ang Presidente: "Mr. President, itong 1.2 billion pesos lang ba
ang inyong... tanging yaman?" "Oo," sagot ng Presidente. "Tangina, ang
yaman!" sigaw ng prosecutor.
STARRING: Jose Velarde (aka Joseph Estrada) and Mario "I haven't slept for
the past 24 hours, Your Honor" Bautista (as the private prosecutor)
3. "SPIRIT WARRIORS"
Kuwento ng isang matapang na grupo ng mga kababaihan--2 bank managers,
first VP ng isang bangko, isang accountant, isang sekretarya, at isang
senior VP ng bangko (ang "surprise member" ng grupo)--na kumalaban sa isang
malignong "mahilig"--mahilig mambabae, mahilig uminom, mahilig sa mansyon,
mahilig makipagkaibigan sa iba pang maligno, mahilig mangolekta ng tong
mula sa jueteng, at mahilig magdeposit ng ilegal na yaman sa bangko gamit
ang isang alias.
STARRING: Emma "Iniinom po ang iced tea, hindi kinakain, your Honor!" Lim,
Menchu "Magkaibigan po kami ni Yolanda Ricarforte, your honor!" Itchon,
Annie "Memorized ko ang account numbers, your honor!" Ngo, Edelquin
"Ricaforte's our biggest depositor, your honor!" Dantes, Shakira "I' m
still single, Your Honor!" Yu, Clarissa "I was one foot away from the
President, your honor." Ocampo, and Joseph "Hindi ako 'yun!" Estrada as the
"Malignong Mahilig" aka "Bad Spirit".
4. PING LACSON: COMFORT GAY (to be released internationally as "CODENAME:
True to life story ng isang pulis na matinik sa wiretapping. Para
makapag-espiya at makaganti sa kanyang mga kalaban, pumayag siyang maging
STARRING: You know...
- To be continued
In the heyday of his popularity.
Erap was asked whether he felt great affinity with America’s embattled Clinton.
"Why?" Erap was said to have inquired.
"Because both of you have sex problems," the inquisitive reporter persisted.
"I don’t know about Mr. Clinton," Estrada was reported to have replied.
"I’ve got the sex, but he’s got the problem."
5. SUGATANG YAMAN
Part 2 ng "Tanging Yaman". Tungkol sa mga mansyon ng mga kerida at iba
pang yaman ng Presidente na pinagdududahan ng buong bayan.
STARRING: Joseph Estrada and a cast of thousand keridas. Special
Participation: Imelda "may blood clot sa utak" Marcos bilang patron saint
ng mga taong may tangi-nang yaman (na ilegal).
Kuwento ng isang presidenteng inimpeach at bumagsak sa deathrow. Sa isang
madamdaming tagpo, sinigawan ng presidente ang Diyos: "Lord, hindi ko po
ginawa ang mga ibinibintang nila sa akin! Inosente po ako! Tamaan sana ako
ng kidlat, kung nagsisinungaling ako!" Pagkasabi niya nito, hinataw siya
ng Diyos ng kidlat. Ayun, tigbak siya agad. Happy ending para sa lahat!
STARRING: Alam n'yo na 'yon!
6. SUGATANG YAMAN (Triple-X version)
Ang kaisa-isang Triple-X-rated movie sa pestebal. Tungkol sa isang Unang
Ginang na nabaliw dahil sa pagtataksil ng asawang presidente. Para
makipaghiganti, pinutol ng Unang Ginang ang ari ng Presidente, tinadtad
ito, ginawang bopis at kilawin, at ipinakain sa mga kerida ng Pangulo.
Tigbak ang Pangulo dahil naubusan ng dugo at ang mga kerida dahil na-food
ang Unang Ginang dahil nag-plead ng temporary insanity. Ang ending ng
pelikula ay tatatak sa alaala ng mga manonood: may extreme close-up ng
Unang Ginang. Tapos, sabay bitaw siya ng dialogue na: "Nasa akin pa rin ang
huling halakhak! Hahahahahahahaha!" Ang temporary insanity ay naging
STARRING: Dra. Loi "Ako? Martir?" Ejercito, at ang "Apat na Sikat" (aka
"Las Kulakadidangs")--Guia Gomez, Laarni Enriquez, Rowena Lopez, at Joy
Melendres (in no particular order). Siyempre, mawawala ba ang kanilang
leading man, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "Asiong Salonga".
TANGKILIKIN ANG PELIKULANG PILIPINO!
MANOOD NG METRO MANILA IMPEACHMENT FILM FESTIVAL!
LABAS NGAYONG PASKO HANGGANG... KELAN PA?!
"If you win the lotto, what would you do with the money?" Erap was asked.
"I will use it to buy Malacañang Palace," he answered.
"Para hindi nila ako mapaalis doon."
TULA NG MASA
Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
Pero dito sa amin, hindi yata bagay.
Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.
Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
Ibinalik si Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.
Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo,
Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan, pati si Manero.
Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.
Sabi ni Erap, walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan...
Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.
Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.
To be continued .....
TULA NG MASA - continuation
Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan
Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
Upang ang makinabang, ang mga mamayan.
Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.
Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling-wili dito.
Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
Presidenteng lasingero, babaero, at uto-uto.
Habang si Erap ay kanilang ginogoyo,
Kabi-kabilang raket ng mga tarantado!
Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.
Erap, hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.
Erap, sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa 'yo.
Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!
GOOD AND BAD
Good news: With the appointment of Edgardo Angara as executive
secretary, Joseph Estrada will next step down as President.
Bad news: He will be replaced by Jose Velarde.
Noong bata pa si erap... ang palayaw niya ay TA NG...
Isang araw, hinahanap si TA NG ng ina niya...
Ina: TA NG, nasaan ka na?
Kaibigan ni TA NG: Hoy TA NG ina mo hinahanap ka...
Erap: Bakit mo ako minumura, ga go ka ha...
at nag away ang dalawang magkaibigan...
ISANG PLATITONG MANI
Dumalaw si erap sa bahay ng isang mahirap at matandang lola.
Erap: Oh masarap ba ang tsokolateng binigay ko sa inyo.
Matanda: Opo. Salamat po.
Nakita ni erap ang isang platitong mani sa lamesa at kinain agad
habang nakaharap sa kamera para ipakitang kinakain nya ang pagkain ng mahirap.
Erap: Naku naubos ko ang mani, pasensya na ho kayo lola
Lola: Naku, okay lang ho prisidinti, nasipsip ka naman na yung tsokolate dyan.
Erap: Aba, okay naman pala eh.
Similarities between Erap and Brother Mike:
1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor
Erap to the press: I just learned that Atong Ang
has a relative in the Senate.
Press: Really? Who is it?
Erap: Her first name in Chinese is ‘‘Bu.’’
PLEA FOR ERAP
pls lang patawarin nyo na si erap tulad na pagpapatawad
ninyo ke prisidinti marcos at kanyang family.
Magtulungan tayong itayo ang negosyo ni erap para sa mahirap.
Dahil marami ang umaasa sa lintik na huweteng na yan.
Pls lang okay. Sige, kakantahan
ko kayo...dahil sa yo...
who art in jueteng
hakot be thy name
thy kickback come
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan.
Give me this day
My daily bribe
And conceal all my trespasses
And if I am led into temptation
Deliver me from conviction
For mine is the country,
its power, and its money
forever and ever
Aba Ginoong Estrada
Napupuno ka ng kwarta
Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming kulasisi mo.
Erap's Mi ultimo Adios
Mi parte de jueteng wala na.
Mis compadres y lords nabuking na.
Los mansiones de mis queridas ini-imbistiga
Mis amigos de la Camara el ultimo pagasa.
Ni Joseph "Jose Velarde" Estrada
(Pasintabi kay Dr. Jose Rizal)
Adios bayang aking pinagnakawan,
Paalam bayang binusabos ng aking mga kaibigan.
Mutyang dinusta't hinalay ni Atong Ang.
Aalis akong batbat ng puna't kahihiyang
Isinabit ni Chavit, alang kwentang tsokaran!
Sa malawak na lansangan mula Edsa't Mendiola,
Sambayanang galit ay nag-aalsa na,
Sumisigaw silang ako'y mag-resign na
At kung magmamaugas ako'y sisipain nila
Sa kangkungan pupuluting tila mabahong basura.
Akoy namamaalam upang dilira ay mapawi,
Sa bayang ito na sobra nang sawi.
Baka sakaling ekonomya'y makabawi
Kapag nawala na mga barkada't kroni,
At mga kalaguyong kagaya ni Laarni.
Simula't sapul akoy may simpleng pangarap
Kuwarta't babae, mga mansion ako'y makakalap
Kaya naman lubos-lubos aking pagsisikap.
Walang inatupag kundi ang pangongotong,
Sa huweteng at two-ball, Abu Sayaff at kuratong.
Kaya nang nahalal na maging pangulo,
Tinipon ang barkada, kakosa't kalaguyo
Tuwing hatinggabi sa pag-uuntugang baso
Tampok sa usapan paano mapagkwartahan
Buwis sa tabako, negosyo at pasugalan.
Ngunit lintik ka Chavit, bakit mo ako isinabit-?
Himutok ng dibdib lalong naging masakit
Nang nabistong si Atong pala ay nangupit.
Programa ko sa pabahay tuloy ay nabisto
Di sa mahihirap, kundi sa mga kabit ko.
Pa-impeach-impeach pa kayo, 'nong akala n'yo?
Sa senado kaya kayo ay mananalo?
Sa impeachment trial di kayo nakasisiguro
Gaano man kabigat ng saksi ng prosekyusyon
Alang kwenta lahat pagdating ng resolusyon.
Labing-isang senador nasa aking panig!
Kung gusto'y pangalanan ko pa aking mga kabig:
Si John at Tessie na lisa ang bibig,
Tig-sangmilyong balato, ayos na ang buto-buto
Alang kaduda-duda kung kangino sila boboto.
Naririyan si Miriam, aking pambato,
Hindi umuurong kahit na kangino, '
Huwag lang sindakin ng biglaang demo.
Si Manong Johnny Enrile at bataang Honasan
Mga kakamping lagi kong maaasahan.
Si Niki Coseteng na umalis kunwari,
Tulad ni Tatad na sa partido koy bumatsi
Ngunit yan ay bahagi lamang ng panlalansi
Sina Kit at Niki tiyak sa akin papanig
Sa katotohanan ay hindi sila makikinig.
Kay Tito Soto ay tiyak-tiyak na ako,
Kay Ka Blas ay hindi rin ako kabado,
Kay Ramon Revilla, itaga n'yo na sa bato.
Si Jawo ang dapat na bantayan ng kalaban.
Kapag nag-three point shot, tapos na ang laban.
Yang impeachment ay para ring sugalan,
Numero lamang ang pinaglalabanan.
At sa numero't sugal kami ay namber wan,
Tiyak na tiyak ako sa aking labing-isa,
Kahit na anupamang gawing balasa.
Ngunit ang aking lubos na ikinakaba
Ay ang lansangang dumadamba.
Protesta ng sambayanan patuloy na rumaragasa
Sigaw ng mamamayan dapat ay mag-resign na,
Patatalsikin kapag di kusang bumaba.
Nasaan na kayo mga dati kong kasangga?
Ano't iniwan akong nagdurusa?
Atong Ang, nasaan ka hayop ka?
Pareng FPJ, parang awa mo na,
Saklolo Danding, Tan, Maceda, Imelda at iba pa.
Kaya bago abutan ng bayang nagngangalit
Baka sakaling pupuwede pang makapuslit.
Paalam masang aking pinagtaksilan,
Paalam sa bayang pinangakuan ko ng kasaganaan,
Bakit kasi kayo naniwala sa aking islogan?
Paalam na rin sa iyo Loi, aking namber wan
Alam ko namang tiyak na ako'y iyong iiwan.
Jinggoy, Jude, JV, mga anak sa loob at labas,
magpaalam na rin kayo.
mga kroni, kakosa, kainuman, kasugalan, kalaguyo
Pare-pareho na tayong pupulutin sa kangkungan!
Bakit daw malaki ang utang ng na loob ni Miriam Santiago kay Erap?
Kasi, nangako si Erap na tutulungan si Miriam na hanapin sina Crispin at
Umamin na raw si Erap na siya si Jose Velarde... pero hindi naman daw
siya si Joseph Estrada...
Watch for the life story of Erap that will surpass the Metro Manila
Film Festival Hit "Tanging Yaman" at the box office. The film is
entitled "Tanginang Yaman."
FPJ: Erap, mukhang mako-convict ka sa impeachment trial
Erap: Di bale, trial pa lang yan, di pa naman final.
THINGS I LEARN FROM THE IMPEACHMENT
MEANING OF IMPEACHMENT
I - impeach
M - my
P - pareng
E - erap
A - and
C - company
H - hudlom
M - magnanakaw
E - everything
N - no
T - thing
1. DUCES TECUM - Documentary Evidence
2. AD TESTIFICANDUM - Witness as summoned
3. FACTUM PROBANDUM - Proven Fact
4. IMFACTA SANITARIUM - Miriam Santiago
sabi ni erap kay loi, honey tignan mo yung puzzle na binuo ko ang ganda
ano? sabi naman ni loi ang bagal mo namang binuo yan, umabot ka nang 6
months. mabilis na nga yun eh,tignan mo itong kahon nakasulat 3 to 6
years, oh di ba ,di ang bilis ko.. (3 to 6 years old ang gagamit erap)
M & M
galing ng states si mayor lim at may pasalubong para kay erap m&m peanut.
after 1 week sabi ni mayor masarap ba yung pasalubong ko erap sabi naman
ni erap oo masarap kaso umitim ang kuko ko sa kababalat..
THE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
Renato de Villa’s days as executive secretary are numbered.
President Macapagal has decided to abolish the position.
‘‘I don’t need a Little President,’’ she said. ‘‘That’s me.’’
Who are today’s top show-biz stars?
Vilma Santos—Star for All Seasons
Maricel Soriano—Diamond Star
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo—Twinkle, twinkle little star.
A joke, delivered by Mr. Estrada at a dinner for the APEC Leaders:
US President Clinton approaches Mr. Estrada during the summit to confide that he
has a problem.
''I brought 50 security people with me and I don't know which of them is an assassin,''
Overhearing Clinton's dilemma, Chinese President Jiang Zemin joins the conversation.
''I have the same problem,'' Jiang says. ''I have 60 security people with me and
I don't know which of them is a spy.''
Mr. Estrada is unimpressed. ''I think my problem is more serious,'' he says. ''I have
100 economists with me and I don't know which of them is right.''
MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES
This incident happened long before Estrada was thrown out of office.
President Clinton called President Estrada of the Philippines with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"
"Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you," replied Estrada.
"I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms
ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Estrada.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bill.
"Yes?" said Estrada.
Showing off, Bill said,"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in color and
at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied Estrada, with that, Estrada hung up and called the owner
of Philippine Prophilactic.
"I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them
to the White House."
"Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE- SMALL' ."
ANOTHER GLORIA JOKE
When she first stepped into Malacañang Palace, President Macapagal recalled her
childhood days there when her father, Diosdado Macapagal, was the President.
"I grew up here," she said.
"That’s not true," quipped an old member of the Malacañang household staff.
"She never grew up."
ERAP'S RESIGNATION lETTER
Erap's Resignation Letter (J)
Repablic of The phillipines
Oficce of the President
January 20, 2001
I was very very sadenned by the fuct that some people were
pointing accusations to me. As par as i know, my consience is
clear, all of thier accusations are very wrong. I have no direck
involvement on jueteng, i never violating any constitution lawses
and i never corrupted the goverment. All of my wealth came from my
gambling winnings, the boracay mansion was a gift to me by Lucio
Tan, sabi ko babayaran ko na lang pag nag-remit na ang bingo2 ball.Kaso
ayaw naman ni Singson, tanginang Luis yan, sinabit pa ako. Eh may
parte din naman sya eh.
Okay, okay i have many lots of girls around in me, well what can
i do? Loi is not beutyfull isnt right?
It was indeed very alarming for my family because they think
what will happened to them if i was resign. Saan na ako kukuha ng
pang-suporta sa mga anak ko ngayon? Paano na si Jude?hindi pa nga sya
natatapos sa sex transplant nya, pinababawi ko nga ang binigay nyang Starex
van kay Mickey Ferriols para pambile ng mga gamot nya. Lintik na Loi to,
pilit na nagpapaganda mukha pa rin naman tuta.Buti pa si Laarni nasa
Singapore na sya. Samantalang ako hangga ngayon wala pa ring Passport
papuntang Singapore, pang-USA lang kasi yung binigay nila sa akin, wala
kasi akong colored 1x1 na black and white ang background, meron ba nun?
Colored tapos black and white ang background, gods must be crazzy !
Paano na rin si Jinggoy? hindi na sya makakapambabae nyan,
pangit pa naman sya, wala ng papatol sa kanya dahil maaubos na yung
perang binigay sa kanya ni Singson.
Ayaw ko sanang mag-resign dahil sa EDSA people power na yan,
nung 1986 hindi naman ako nag-resign ah. Sabi kasi ni pareng ED Angara,
okay lang na hindi muna ako mag-resign kasi di pa sya sumusweldo sa kin,
wala pa kasi syang 1 month tapos, mawawalan na sya ng trabaho.
Pinabubuksan ko na nga sana yung second envelope, para wala ng
problema kaso huli na daw. Ito kasing si Tessie, wala naman syang alam kung
ano ang laman ng envelope na yun, sumayaw-sayaw pa sya, ganun din ang steps
nya pag nagbo-ballroom kami. Basta ang alam ko ang laman nun, picture ni
John Osmena yun na naka-bikini, nung sumali sya sa Ms. Gay Cebu, tsaka picture
din nina Tessie Oreta at Nikki Coseteng na nakikipag-sex kasama si Jay Manalo
noong shower party ni Jackie.
Ang mga grades ko sa Ateneo, na hiningi ng PCIBank noong nag-open
ako ng account, kaya ang ginamit kong pangalan Jose Velarde na lang, at
syanga pala, kasama din doon yung tinatago kong MENTAL records ni Miriam,
tinatago ko kasi alam ni Cory na sira-ulo si Miriam. Kundi ba naman siya sira-ulo
papanig ba sakin yun.
Pero may pag-asa pa ako...si Ping Lacson, kahit kunwari bumligtad
yun, hindi pa rin sya makakatakas sa akin, subukan lang nya.Ibubulgar ko
yong pinag-hatian naming pera na nakuah nya sa KURATONG-BALELENG.
So I resign as the president of this republic of the
pihillipines.This is for the country. Bahala na kung mabubuhay pa kami.
Paalam sa aking mga kaibigan na naging kaaway:
Singson ! sabay tayong makukulong,
Jaworski ! hindi ka naman marunong mag-basketball talaga, idol pa
naman kita pero sabi ng misis mo hanggang dribol ka lang daw di ka raw marunong
Orly Mercado ! bahala ka sa buhay mo ! duwag ka naman e, ayaw mo
ngang magpunta sa Mindanao para kunin yung parte ko sa ransom money!
Afredo Lim! di na kita panonoorin sa KATAPAT, bulol ka naman e,
ibubulgar ko na hindi naman puti ang buhok mo.. kundi balakubak!
Nora Aunor ! tarantadong tyanak ka! kundi ko pa alam. type mo lang
si Mikey Arroyo kaya ka sumali sa EDSA.
Bong Revilla ! totoy gwapo ah..pwe! ang laki naman ng tyan mo!
ibubulgar ko kay Lani Mercado.. may anak ka kay Gretchen Barreto!
At ikaw ang tunay na ama ni ARA MINA.
Kay Josephine.. anak din naman kita.. kaya lang di ko kilala nanay mo.
Kay Cardinal Sin...mabitay ka na sana!
Kay Cory....type mo lang si Raul Roco kasi kamukha sya ni NINOY.
Kay Annabel Rama... ang sarap pala ni Ruffa...lasang hollywood talaga.
PS: pareng ATONG, magkita na lang tayo sa casino ni pareng lucio
erap11: more Impeachment Text Jokes
NEW BANK ACCOUNTS
Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank.
Jinggoy's under the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another
owned by Jude under the name of JOSIE Velarde.
INTERVIEW WITH ERAP
Reporter:Ano po ba ang misis at mistress?
Erap:Misis ang maybahay.Mistress ang may mansion.
Reporter:Mr. Erap, accused ka daw for anti-labor?
Erap:Sobra na sila!Ako pa ang anti-labor!? E, mga anak ko pinag-labor ng mga nanay nila!
Reporter:Mr. Erap, sa ngayon what do you want to happen dito sa pilipinas?
Erap:Alam mo, madami yan. Pero the #1 an gusto ko mangyari ay ......................................... mapalabas ulit yung Rosalinda.
umadami ang mga allegations laban sayo, any reactions?
Erap:Walangya! Ipakulong ang mga allegators na yan sa zoo!
Reporter:Any last words before ending the interview?
fcourse! Thanks for the billions... este, billion thanks pala!
ERAP GOT DRUNK
Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a
constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white
shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.
Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get
him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the
lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will
ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the
Republic?" Erap asked.
The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't
know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.
"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.
"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin." Sponsor
Nagka-engine trouble ang sinasakyang eroplano nina Erap at FVR kaya binigyan sila
ng tig-isang parachute para makatalon palabas.
Dahil sundalo at sanay si FVR sa ganito, pinauna niyang tumalon si Erap. Tumalon
si Erap at nagbukas agad ang kanyang parachute.
Sumunod si FVR, kaso, sira ang naibigay sa kanya at hindi iyon bumukas kaya bumulusok
Nakita ito ni Erap at sumigaw siya:
"Ah karera pala ang gusto mo, ha? Teka!" sabay alis ni Erap ng suot niyang parachute
para maunahan si FVR.
ERAP'S NEW CAREER
ERAP, after his impeachment (because of his meddling into the SEC affairs) decided
to migrate to the USA. He comes to know that cattle farming is big business in US,
so he buys several cows, hoping to breed them for milk, cheese, beef, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the cows are getting pregnant and calls the v
et for help. The vet tells ERAP that he should try artificial insemination.
Knowing ERAP, (he has no idea what this AI means), not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how will he know when the cows are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when
they are pregnant.
After giving it some thought (for few hours or days), he comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the cows. So, he loads the cows into
his truck, drives them out into the woods and being the STUD he is, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, ERAP looks out at the cows and seeing that they are all still standing
around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the
truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex twice with each cow for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The following morning, ERAP cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the cows.
He asks LOI to look out and tell him if the cows are laying in the mud.
"No," LOI says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"
Why does Erap always where that wrist band of his?
So he can tell the diffrence between his right hand and left hand.
One day Erap was talking to a friend on his cellular about a up coming movie, when
all of a sudden he fell and broke his arm. He went to the hospital and the Dr. ask
how he broke his arm, Erap said he was talking to his frien on his cellular and
tripped on the phone cord.
when Erap attended the last G-7 meeting as a guest,they were discussing
the future of robotics,when ask if it could help the Philippines,
he answered it is a problem because they keep kidnapping people.
Note: Abu Sayaf's leader is Commander Robot.
naka duty si erap bilang traffic officer sa isang crossing ng ortigas!
habang nagbabantay sya, may isang lalaki na biglang dumapa at lumangoy
patawid ng kalye kaya ng makita ni erap sinigawan nya ito " hoy! bawal
yan " biglang bunot ng batuta ni erap at umupo sabay sagwan ng batuta nya.
"kala mo makakatakas ka ha "
One more proof that Erap is no longer president is that his radio-TV show,
"Jeep ni Erap," is no more.
It will be replaced by a new show, "Stroller ni Gloria."
GMA is wear designer clothes by Osh Kosh, shoes by Barbie.
GMA should appoint Sen. Juan Flavier as vice president because he is the only
one she can see eye-to-eye with.
The reason GMA was late in moving to Malacañang yet is because her high chair is not ready.
ERAP WAS SINGING AND DANCING WITH HIS GRANDMOTHER. HE GOES "PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN
PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT" SUDDENLY HIS WIFR CORRECT HIM AND SAID NO DARLING YOUR WRONG.
IT'S FEET NOT FOOT. ERAP: OK THANKS. SO HE SING IT AGAIN AND IT GOES "FOOT YOUR RIGHT
FEET IN FOOT YOU RIGHT FEET OUT
Scenario: Erap in a restaurant
Waitress: Sir, are you done?
Erap: No I'm not Dan, I'm Erap.
Waitress: No, I mean are you finish?
Erap: No, I'm a Filipino.
Waitress: (Naku) No sir, what I mean is are you through?
Erap: Ano ka ba! Syempre totoo ako. Hinde ako peke.
(_!_) Regular Ass
(__!__) Fat Ass
(!) Tight Ass
(_*_) Sore Ass
(_E=mc2_) Smart Ass
(_x_) Cute Ass
(_ERAP_) Dumb Ass
Kinds of Minds:
Aristotle: great mind
Einstien: genius mind
Newton: extraordinary mind
Marcos: brilliant mind
Erap: never mind
Saturday, April 28, 2001
Looks like I will be having more time writing to you. It's been a terrible week, Diary.
Terrible. It's one indignayshun...indignituin....indig...they've insulted me.
Fingerprinte like a common criminal! They took my mugshot like I was an ordinary thief!
Well I'm not! I was....I am...I'm...basta President ako.
Good thing my loyal friends are putting up a fight for me. I can hear them chanting all
the way from the EDSA Shrine. "Sunduin si Erap" hehehe. It fattens my heart.
Nakakataba ng puso. It's been three days since they've put me in this cell.
May aircon nga wala naman mahjong table. Wala din TV. How do they expect me to live
this way? The humiliation! Oh the discomfort! Walang bacalau! Walang red wine!
Malakas humilik si Jinggoy di ako makatulog.
I miss Loi. I miss Laarni. et al. (Hoy hindi bagong tsiks yan si Et al ha...
it means "and all the others." Nalaman ko yan nung nabasa ko yung isinampang kaso
sa akin ng Ombudsman.)
Huhuhuhu...mga walang hiyang abogado yan. Kala ko pa naman magagaling. I thought
they were good. Pati bahay gustong ipa aresto. They want a house arrest. Ang
Anyway, I shall sleep and rest. Tomorrow is another day.
Ang pag asa ko na lang ay key FPJ para iligtas niya ako.
VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES
Manoling Morato: Kung nakinig lang kayo sa akin noong nakaraang election, di
sana tayo ganito ngayon. Mas pinili pa ninyo kasi ang BOBO kesa sa BAKLA.
Pinoy Additions to the Dictionary:
Imeldific - 3,000 pairs of shoes
Erapic - pinoy mafia
Miriamic - La Vida Loca-loca
Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank. Jinggoy's under
the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another one owned by Jude under the name
VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES II
After witnessing Miriam go ballistic last Thursday, the nuns held an
emergency meeting the following day and voted 22-0 to revert back the
name of their school. Its back to MARYKNOLL!
Miriam Defensor Santiago in different languages:
Vietnamese: Pha Nget Shah
African: Gha Gha
Hindi: Bibi Lihin
Japanese: Poo Tah
Korean: Coo Rap
Erap: Aba, malaking bituin! Dito na yata ang lugar kung saan ipinanganak
Man: Nagkakamali po kayo.
Erap: Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan?
Man: Eh, kasi CALTEX ho ito!!!
Newsflash: Ayaw na daw ng mga babae na magwitness sa
Kasi, ang tawag daw sa kanila ni Cong. Apostol ay "MADAM WETNESS"!!!
Newsflash: Maceda & Enrile are plotting a coup d'etat.
Enrile wants to
be president and Maceda First Lady. And John Osme?a wants to be
VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES IV
Mga makabagong mura:
- Si Miriam ang ina mo!
- Anak ka ni Miriam!
- Mukhang Erap!
Si Delia Rajas, COOK. Si Atong Ang, CROOK. Si
Dito sa impeachment trial si Erap maaaring tama. Si Chavit maaaring
tama.Si Ocampo maaaring tama. Si Dichavez maaring tama. Pero sigurado si
Miriam, malaki ang tama!
Now showing: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"
starring: Loren as the The Good, Nikki as The Bad, Miriam as The
Ugly, with special participation of John Osme?a as Pretty Woman.
VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES V
Si Gloria kasalubong si Erap lasing. . .
Erap: Pangit 3X
Gloria: Lasing 3X
Erap: Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo,
pangit ka pa rin.
The prosecution is now after a joint account of FPJ and Erap,
allegedly under the name FERNANDO JOSE.
Jinggoy: Mommy, tingnan mo si Chavit, ang bobo sa math. Paanong
naging governor 'yan?
Loi: Psst! Huwag kang maingay. . . yung Daddy mo nga naging
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha,ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
This is Miriam as she wakes up in the morning.
Interviewer: Miriam, you deviated from the usual career path of
to defending Erap, isn't that so?
Miriam: Not so. It's from a low paying job to a high paying one.
Q: Why was Apostol cited for contempt of court?
A: Because he kept saying, "Madame Wetness, pleys examine your
ober der . . ."
Chinese name equivalents:
Tessie A - Wan Mee Liun
John O - Ba Deeng Ba Lato
Enrile - Ma Go Lang
Maceda - Gus Tola Laque
Mendoza - USD50M
Daza - PHP100M
Narvasa - PHP150M
Flaminiano - PHP50 per objection, kaya panay
a. colloquy (kol'ao-kwee) - a formal kahnverseyshen.
b. loquy loquy (lo'kwee lo'kwee) a med kahw dizeez aka miramisis
Defense Liars: Cronies:
Mendo SA Dante TAN
Narva SA Lucio TAN
All Equals... SATAN
Q: Why did Erap and the LAMP Party choose orange as their uniform?
A: They don't have to buy a new set of uniform when they go to jail.
Prosecutor: Ms. Rajas, totoo bang sweldo mo bilang Cook kina
Atong Ang ay P3,000 a month lang?
Rajas: P5,000 po... kaso iyong P3,000 napupunta po kay Erap.
Si Datu Puti, may suka. Si Rufina at Lorins may patis. Si Miriam
Duces tecum - documentary evidence
Ad testificandum - witness is summoned
Factum probandum - proven fact
Imfacta Sanitarium - Miriam in court
Lucio Tan - 25% Filipino, 75% Chinese
Erap - 30% Filipinol 70% alcohol
Ernie Maceda & John Osme?a - 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
Miriam D. Santiago - FLIP na!
ERAP AFTER EDSA
Mayroon pa ring ERAP jokes (no offense to erap-supporters...)
1. Erap sending text message to Laarni.
Laarni, mahal wag kang mag alala sa aking kalagayan. Nandito ako
Veterans hospital, magaling mga veterinarians dito, alagang-alaga ako.
2. EDSA 1 : free the nation from a dictator.
EDSA 2 : free the nation from a thief.
EDSA 3 : free lunch, dinner, breakfast and snacks too.
3. PRO-ERAP leader to rallyists at Mendiola.
Leader : Kayo ba ay hinakot
Masa : Hindi !!!!
Leader : Kayo ba ay pinuwersa
Masa : Hindi !!!
Leader : Kayo ba ay binayaran
Masa : Hindi Pa !!!!
ERAP AFTER EDSA.....
4. Miriam Santiago has been arrested for enciting sedition and she
be confined at the Mental Hospital. Mas "feel at home" raw siya doon.
5. Erap's conjugal visit schedule.
Monday - Loi
Tuesday - Ghia
Wednesday - Laarni
Thursday - Joy
Friday - Weng
Saturday - John Osmena
Sunday - Ernie Maceda
6. May bagong wrist band si Erap - BAKAL. (Kasi nakakulong sya ngayon)
ERAP AFTER EDSA.....
7. Miriam : Palpak ang Edsa 3 natin!
Erap : Ha!? Bakit? Sabi mo mananalo tayo.
Miriam : I Lied! I lied! Ha - ha - ha!
8. Sumikip raw ang dibdib ni Ernie Maceda while under custody at
dinala siya sa St. Luke's Hospital. Binawalan siya ng doktor na... mag-bra
9. JV to Erap.
JV : Dad, nasa "State of Rebellion" tayo ngayon!
Erap : Bakit nila pinalitan ang pangalan ng Pilipinas? Ginaya
pa nila sa "State of California".
10. The street where Miriam's house in UP Village has been renamed
after her. The street sign now reads: "Miriam Santiago St." (formerly
"Matino St." - he-he-he)
11. Nang bigyan si Erap ng prison uniform na may tatak na "P", napaiyak
si Erap sa tuwa. Nagpasalamat siya at ang sabi "salamat at 'PANGULO' pa
12. Erap during his check-up at Veterans' Hospital.
Doc : Ikinalulungkot ko po pero you have BRAIN TU-MOR.
Erap : Pero doc, they say I have NO BRAIN, and now you say I
have TWO MORE? Ang gulo nyo!
Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may
bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit. "Lintek na ibon,
"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayona
ang nalipad nila."
Q: Bakit daw ayaw pabuksan ng 11 senators ang envelope?
A: Kase sa loob, may picture nilang lahat nag-oorgy!
Q: Bakit ayaw daw pabuksan ni Erap ang envelope?
A: Kasi andon daw ang grades niya nung highschool.
Q: Bakit ayaw ni Miriam pabuksan ang envelope?
A: Andon daw kasi ang picture niya, naka-two-piece! (pwe!)
Payo daw ni Bro. Mike kay Erap - "Magsisi ka."Ang ginawa ni Erap.
Sinisi niya si Ramos, sinisi niya si Almonte, sinisi niyasi Cory,
sinisi niya si GMA, etc.
Jinggoy--- Itay, dentistry na lang kaya ang kukunin kong Kurso...
Erap------ Anak, ang tagal naman ng Kurso na iyan, kailangan mo pang
kumuha ng Dentist one, Dentist two bago ka mag Dentist three...
Jinggoy---- Itay, 22 na lang pala ang alphabets ngayon?
Erap------- Bakit Anak, ano ang nangyari sa ibang letra?
Jinggoy---- Kasi narinig ko sa radio tatanggalin na ang ROTC
Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.
Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga.Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA
Meaning of ERAP:
Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak
When Erap Got Drunk Print this page
AN OLD ERAP STORY
Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who
supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the
gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black
ties and the ladies in black gowns.
Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his
Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady
in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said.
"She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her
to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President
of the Republic?" Erap asked.
The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why.
Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate
reason," Erap remarked.
"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your
opinion," Erap said.
"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."
Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
Toes Go In First.
How can you tell that it is Erap who sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Erap dial 911?
He can't find the eleven on the phone!
How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There is liquid paper all over the monitor.
Victories of Loi
She's in the Senate- away from rumors
Erap is in prison - away from women
Jude out of the military - away from boys!
What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
WHY DID ERAP?
How do you confuse Erap?
Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why does Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"
Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
He thinks his picture is being taken.
Update Date September 24, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
WHAT LEADERS SAY ABOUT THE NY TRAGEDY
British Prime Minister Tony Blair:
"We all agreed that this attack was an attack not only
on America, but on the free and democratic world"
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat:
It is touching our hearts. It is very difficult to
explain my feelings. God help them, God help them.
Iranian President Mohammad Khatami:
"My deep sympathy goes out to the American nation,
particularly those who have suffered from the attacks
and also the families of the victims"
Pope John Paul II:
"The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes
emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of
overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive
life of a people"
Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada:
"Antaas taas kasi ng building e kaya tinamaan ng eroplano"
ERAP'S PEN PAL LETTER
Hello! How's life going on there. I hope that you are in
good health upon receiving my letter or may be you got
suspened "coz" you did not expect that you can receive
a letter from me.
But before the world prolong into a line may I ask first
you a gretest apology if ever I disturb you rest and
relaxation expecially that when you are in concentration
of you studying. And at the same time Pal, I greet you
pleasant hello. I hope you can enjoing your life there.
Pal, maybe you ask to yourself there if were came I know
your name. By the pal, I found your name from column of
song hit. And then I decide to make this letter for the
reason that I want also a friend in other places so don't
think any malice here my lettter okey!.
But before I go to further may I introduce first my simple
personality to you. Well....... beginning for the love of
my parent they got a boy and have a name. My name is Joseph
Marcelo Ejercito. Joseph for short. I'm ...ty-four years old now.
My heaight is 5'8" tall and 140 lbs. My birthday is coming
every 19 of April 1937. Fair complexion under the zodiac
sign of Aries . I'm a pure Filipino with little Chinesse blood.
My mother is at home while my father is working as a golddigger..
He's digging golds at the mines. My hobbies is playing ball
games reading komiks books, participating in school activities.,
and of course acting. I also like to listen to folk songs of
Perry Como, Pat Boone, Everly Brothers and the Platters. I hate
listening to instrumental music because they are always defective.
I can't hear the voice of the songer.
As for my school, I think my school likes me a lot. They
don't want me to go after 8 years. They told me others could
get post graduate degrees after college , they said I can do
it here in high school. I only need two more years to complete
my Algebra. My families were so happy for me..my father almost
suffered a heart attack eveytime I showed him my report cards.
Doesn't you think I'm good too?.
My teacher also liked me . whenever she needed something done,
she will called me. Like cleaning the board, scrubbing the floor
and manning the garbage can. I'm also responsible in drawing
conclusion to our laboratory experiments. Last time during our
chemistrty class, when we are mixing different chemicals together
and she wanted me to taste the result. I concluded that the
solution is little bit deadly because I got hospitalized. They
At the hospital, the lady doctor said that some of my brain
cells got burned. I totally disagree with him because I know
I didn't set my head on fire nor eat any lighted match. I only
drank an acid solution. She laughed at me and told me I was funny.
I think her name was Dr. Eloisa. She's cute.
I think I finish also introducing my self to you and may be time
is enough already for you to know who I am . Maybe this will be
enough for you to guess myself, from now on you can describe my
self in your imagination.
Anyway Pal, I 'd like you answer me. Maybe you can send also your
personal datas. Please I need you reply!!! I'm sorry for the
handwriting, I have speech impediment eh.
Regards to your family circle and especially to you. Take all
Your new friend,
Just call me Erap.
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!
Nag meeting si Erap at ang kanyang 13 abogado.
naghihinagpis): Jos ko po!.. bakit ako
pinaparusahan ng ganito? Natalsik na ako't lahat..ayaw
pa nila akong tigilan! What face will I front to my
(TRANSLATION: Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa aking mga
pamilya? ) Pati pagkain ko ng isda..kinasuhan pa rin
nila! Mas gusto ko pa nga nang lechon kaysa isdang
dapa.. Pero..bakit pati pagkain ko ng isdang dapa, may
kaso?.. Bakit?? Sumagot kayo!!"
Nagpulong yung mga abogado nang 1 minute and then
lumapit yung lead lawyer kay Erap.
Attorney (pabulong): "Boss, yung kaso ho nyo e"
Plunder...hindi ho Flounder!!"
ERAP(patay mali): "Kasuhan na nila ako ng kasuhan!..
mag be-belo ako ng mag be-belo..Kahit na ilang belo
isusuot ko wag lang akong makulong!.. Kahit wala ako
sa simbahan mag be-belo pa rin ako!
..Matatalo ko pa si Cardinal Sin!..Tingnan natin kung
sino ang mas mautak (lumalabas na yung uhog sa galit
kaya sabay pahid..ginamit yung wristband)!!
Nagpulong uli yung mga abogado nang 1 minute...lapit
uli kay Erap yung lead lawyer.
Attorney (pabulong uli pero medyo asar na) : " Boss,
yung hinihingi ho natin ay B-a-i-l... hindi ho V-e-i-l!!"
LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER
ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN
LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER
ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP
BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH
ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS
Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. "Pinakain ninyo
ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap
noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip
ng maitatanong din. "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"
GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.
ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang
Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan!
ERAP: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone.
DR: Is it choking?
ERAP: No, it's Max's
DR: I didn't mean Chowking, I said, "Are you choking?"
ERAP: No I'm serious!
Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie together. It
will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored by the Ateneo Alumni
Scene: nasusunog ang rest house sa Tanay ni Erap!
Guard: sir, dito po ang fire exit.
Erap: gago! diyan na nga dadaan ang apoy eh!!
Similarity of Marcos and Erap:Both have AIDS:
Marcos' AIDS: Acquired Income Deposited in Switzerland
Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.
Satan appeared to Erap.
Satan: I have a proposal. You will finish your term but in return I want your soul.
Erap: Wait, wait, what's the catch?
Erap was exiled to Burma and was making a long distance call. He made a long distance phone call...
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Erap: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Erap: Aybegurpardon. Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Erap: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.
Jinggoy takes some law courses to get ready for the senate?
Professor: Jinggoy, who wrote the writ of habeas corpus?
Jinggoy: Aba, hindi ako sir!?
Professor: Let's go see your father.
At Erap's prison:
Professor: Sir, I am the law professor of your son.
I simply asked him who wrote the writ of habeas corpus,
and he answered that he did not write it.
Erap: Alam n'yo, Prof. Itong si Jinggoy, kung minsan palabiro lang.
Pero hindi siya sinungaling. Kaya hindi po siya ang nagsulat ng sinasabi mong writ.
As the professor angrily storms away, FPJ arrives to visit Erap.
Erap: O, pare. Alam mo bang pinagbintangan ng professor na iyan na si Jinggoy
ang nagsulat ng writ ni Mang Corpuz.
FPJ: Kayo naman, e. Para sa kapakanan at kapayapaan ng lahat, dapat
inamin na lang ninyo!
During his visit to Malacañang Palace,
Bush was intrigued by a new telephone capable
of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly
with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents.
When he came back home, he found out that
this same service was now available in the US too.
He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000.
Bush was distressed.
How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents
in the Philippines
Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.
What's For Lunch
Erap, Pedro and Juan eat lunch together everyday. For almost 1 year they
have the same lunch daily. Pedro has adobo, Juan has pinakbet and Erap
tuna sandwich. Today, Juan says "pagod na akong puro pinakbet na lang
araw-araw ang lunch ko, tomorrow pag panakbet pa rin tatalon na lang
ako sa Pasig."
"Ako rin" says Pedro,"pag adobo parin ang ulam ko bukas, mabuting pang
tumalon na lang ako sa Pasig." Not to be outdone Erap said "Mi too, I'm
tired of tuna sandwich everyday if I have this again tomorrow tatalon din ako."
The next day, Pedro opened his lunch box and he found dinuguan and puto.
He was so happy of the change. Next, Juan opened his and found bistik.
"Ay salamat po" says Juan. Erap opened his and showed that he has tuna sandwich.
Looking dejected biglang tayo siya at tumalon sa ilog Pasig. Pedro looks at
Juan at medyo umiling and says "Hindi ko naman maintindihan si pareng Erap, eh
siya ang gumagawa ng lunch niya."
BILIN KI ERAP
Bilin ng mother ni Erap ng bumisita siya:
Anak, di mo na natapos ang pag-aaral mo,
pati pagka presidente mo.
Sana naman makapagtapos ka na ng jail term mo.
Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!
THE PRESIDENT'S PUZZLE
Fernando Poe walks into the Office and sees The President whooping
and hollering. "What's the matter, Erap?" Poe inquired.
"Nothing at all." I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time," the
ex-President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3
to 5 Years but I did it in a month!"
Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer!
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!
Erap sees a ballet performance. He sees four dancers tiptoeing ang twirling.
Erap: Tanga rin ng choreographer no? Bat di nalang matangkad ang kinuha nila?
Erap sa Sarap TV
Erap: Masarap ang lulutuin ko ngayon. Apple pie!
Host: Mr. President, umpisahan na natin. Ano-anu po ba ang ingredients?
Erap: Siyempre, may apple. Kelangan din ng harina, gatas, itlog, asukal, at 2 durog na diatabs.
Host: Ha? Para saan po ang diatabs.
Erap: Baka may sumakit ang tyan. Mahirap nang ma-akusahan ng food poisoining. Wais to!
Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga. Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA
Erap's spiritual adviser is Mike Velarde of El Shaddai.
But he and his sons belong to different religions.
Jinggoy - El Lagay;
Jude - Dioskoday;
Erap - El Puday
Erap looked at the librarian and said:
This is the most boring book I've ever read. It has no plot, yet so many characters.
Librarian: Excuse Sir, that is a telephone directory.
Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant.
Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo?
Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito!
Q: Ano ang isa pang Chinese name ni Sen. Miriam Santiago?
A: TY LE LENG.
Erap: Bakit itinayo ang rebulto ni Andres Bonifacio sa Monumento?
Cory: Siyempre, para magsilbing alaala sa kanya.
Erap: An'tanga mo talaga.
Erap: Siyempre, kapag inihiga, eh di makakabuhol-buhol ang trafik.
Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa tokens sa casino.