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Thread: The Funniest Thread There Is!

  1. #231
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    mabuhay philippines
    Posts
    229

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    Hohoho, patok sa'kin yung "for dry hair" mo, kuya G! Eto naman joke ko:

    Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may kasamang lalaki sa kama ...
    Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
    Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
    Misis: HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!!

  2. #232
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Tagbilaran City, Bohol
    Posts
    779

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    galing ng thread na to ha.... hehe... eto...

    EuroEnglish

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

    By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaning "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

    ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

  3. #233
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    mabuhay philippines
    Posts
    229

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    Hahaha, very funny reagan! Nagustuhan ko joke mo! Eto natanggap ko sa email. Medyo mahaba pero natawa rin ako:

    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks."

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

    It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,

    "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"

    The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
    He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair.

    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
    The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?"

    And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

  4. #234
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    130

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    The More Intelligent Candidate
    This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY".
    The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates),
    Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to
    a televised debate.
    To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question
    which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam
    a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
    Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?
    " Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and
    hands it to Miriam.
    Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
    and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
    She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references.
    She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.
    Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends.
    All to no avail.
    After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.
    Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
    Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
    Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
    Letter of Erap to son JV
    Dear JV:
    Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito
    dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang
    iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi
    ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari
    sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero
    huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang
    address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address.
    Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng
    kinakabisado.
    Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na
    washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik.
    kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa
    naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang
    beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules,
    yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.

    Tungkol nga pala sa coat na gusto mong ipadala namin... masyado raw
    mabigat sabi ni Orly kung isasama yung mga butones. kaya pasensiya ka
    na kung tinanggal namin bago namin ipadala. Nilagay naman namin sa
    bulsa para hindi mawala.

    Ay naku! Alam mo bang basang-basa kami nung martes(nung unang umulan
    last week)? Naiwan kasi nitong si Senator Tito yung susi ng BMW niya
    sa loob.E nakabukas pa naman ang sunroof ! Basang-basa tuloy ang
    interior! mabuti na lamang at gumanap na carnapper itong si Jinggoy
    nung araw kaya nabuksan niya ang kotse mula sa labas. Ang kaso mo, ng
    pumasok kami ni Jinggoy,naiwan si senator tito sa labas at hindi na
    naman niya mabuksan ang kotse! WALA na NAMAN sa kanya ang susi. &^&@%*
    mga artistang politiko talaga yan! Hindi gumagamit ng IQ... muntik na
    kaming malunod nuon ah!

    Naalala ko tuloy yung pinsan kong nahulog sa tangke ng whiskey! Marami
    sana ang gustong sumagip pero pinilit pa ring niyang uminom at libre!
    Ayun,nalunod at pina-cremate ---- anim na araw rin ang binilang bago
    natapos ang apoy... kaya pag namatay ako, hindi ako paki-cremate...
    masakit.

    Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung
    lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie.
    Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito
    na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan
    gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang
    naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!!
    Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no?
    Love,
    PAPA ERAP

    P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre...
    ________________________________________
    Call Center
    A cub reporter was complaining about the
    President's accessibility to the
    media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he
    said it is harder now to get
    through the President compared to those days when
    he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The
    mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo
    yan! In fact they have installed a
    very sophisticated telephone system over at
    Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset
    and presto you can talk to the
    President anytime."
    "Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly
    ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?
    Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
    And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and
    dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
    "GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT.
    IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU
    WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS
    TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE
    HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
    That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent
    reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the
    instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
    MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING
    SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD,
    SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG
    NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA
    SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
    AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!

    With the current hostage problem in Jolo by the Abu Sayaf, here
    are the mottos of different parties involved in this hostage crisis :
    For the Army . . . . . . . "No pain, no gain."
    For the Air Force . . . . "No guts, no glory."
    For the Marines . . . . . "No fight, no surrender."
    For the Abu Sayaf's . . "No ransom, no release."
    For Erap . . . . . . . . . . "No read, no write."

    Ooops

    The Russian president is in Manila on a state visit. Driving
    into Malacañang with Erap, he sees a man peeing against the wall.
    He says, "In Russia we send people to the prison camps in Siberia,
    the coldest part of Russia, for doing that."
    A year later the its President Erap turn for a state visit
    to Russia. Driving into the Kremlin in Moscow they see a man peeing
    against the wall. He says to the Russian president, "I thought you send
    people to the prison camps for doing that."
    "I wish I could, but I can't", said the Russian president, "that's
    the Philippine Ambassador."
    Erap on Golf
    Being a new golfer Erap must learn the game's ethics.
    If you hit the ball and you are afraid someone may get
    hit, it is a courtesy to yell "fore" , not Erap, he yells
    "isa" because its just one ball.
    He lost count of round's score after 100 strokes, go figure.
    Erap settles even scores with a fist fight.
    He calls his caddie, "Ka Eddie".
    He loves to bet his wife for yours in the round.
    He drinks "tea" on tee time.
    He considers 10 footer putts as "gimmes".
    His favorite hole is the 19th hole.

    MODERN INVENTION
    Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two.
    The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese
    asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"
    GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien
    Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in
    zee Berlin."
    The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native
    language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"
    JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan!
    Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."
    ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and
    looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen
    closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND"
    ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX!!
    ON IMMIGRATION
    On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration
    area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES
    ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to
    look for sport props.
    The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.
    ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"
    The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.
    ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi
    basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and
    finds a bundle of barbed wire.
    "Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.
    Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's
    your excuse?"
    ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"


    KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)
    Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
    Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.
    Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
    Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:
    "Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"
    DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE
    Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
    Beverly Hotel without his clothes on.
    Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
    Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
    MAKING A SPEECH
    While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
    Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
    Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?
    Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.
    ERAP'S DARE
    Erap to criminals: Wag nyo akong subukan!
    Erap to politicians: Wag nyo akong subukan!
    Erap to Monica Lewinski: Ako naman subukan mo!

    SAVE
    FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of
    a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance
    to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner
    starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
    FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able
    to escape because of the commotion.
    It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!". The people watching
    the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
    Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started
    counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
    Erap shouted: "Fire!".

    Q & A AGAIN
    Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
    A: They are both empty from the neck up.
    Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
    A: They are for those who don't drink!
    Q: How do you confuse Erap?
    A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
    Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
    A: Because it said concentrate.
    Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
    A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
    Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
    A: He kept throwing out the Ws.


    Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6
    Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5
    Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7
    Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but
    no progress
    Hot News:
    Plan assasination for Erap failed.
    Erap was shot in the head with
    .45 caliber pistol but survived dahil
    walang utak na tinamaan.
    Kumakalat na warning Text ngayon:
    Be careful, Erap is checking all text
    messages ngayon. Text in English
    para di ma-detect.
    Talumpati ni Erap:
    "Ngayong bagong milenyo, tapos na
    ang problema natin sa Komunismo,
    Tapos na rin ang problema natin sa
    Imperyalismo. Ang problema nalang
    natin ngayon ay Ako mismo."

    MOTTO
    Sir, ano po ba ang pinagawa nyong sticker na
    "LATANG PINOY"?
    Ah,yan ba? Tinagalog ko lang yung dating
    slogan na "THE FILIPINO CAN".
    Di ba mas maganda ngayon?

    FATIGUE
    Sir, over fatigue na yata ang mga
    sundalo natin na lumalaban sa
    ABU SAYYAFF" sabi ng isang Heneral kay
    Erap. Ganon ba? tanong ni Erap.
    "Osige, pagpalitin mo lahat sila ng
    Khaki for a change."

    GIVE ME
    Kumain sa isang sosyal na Restaurant si FVR at ERAP.
    FVR: Give me a Swiss Steak and French fries.
    Erap: Ako rin, give me sweeptakes and first prize too.
    PREFERENCE
    Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila.
    FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex?
    ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa
    nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.

    STUCK
    Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil
    huli na ito sa meeting.
    Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo.
    Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako
    rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang
    dalawang oras.
    Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang
    oras kang nakatayo roon habang
    naghihintay ka ng koryente?
    Aide: ganon na nga po.
    Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido!
    Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang
    umupo.
    ANG GANTIMPALA
    Isang araw, nagpasya si Erap na
    maglakbay sa pamamagitan ng
    pagsakay ng barko. Hindi pa nakakalayo ang
    barko ng bigla itong lumubog.
    Makalipas ang ilang minuto, isang rescue
    team ang dumating. At ni-rescue
    si erap ng isang kabataang lalake.
    Erap: Sabihin mo kung ano ang
    gusto mong gantimpala at ibibigay
    ko sa yo?
    Lalaki: wheelchair po.
    Erap: Bakit wheelchair e hindi ka
    naman pilay?
    Lalaki: Dahil po pag nalaman ng
    tatay ko na iniligtas ko kayo,
    siguradong pipilayan nya po ako.

    LOST IN LA
    Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go
    to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost
    fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.
    He called his assistant and said
    Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.
    Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?
    Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76
    gas station.
    Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76
    gas station in downtown L.A.
    Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You
    won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking
    sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"

    ERAP IN LIBRARY
    Erap in Library
    "What time does the library open?" Erap on the
    phone asked.
    "Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea
    of calling me at home in the middle of the night
    to ask a question like that?"
    "Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed
    voice.
    "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
    "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
    "ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed
    sadly. "I want to get out!"

    ERAP VISITING ALASKA
    Pumunta si Erap sa Alaska,pagdating duon,tinanong
    siya kung kumusta ang weather sa Pilipinas.
    Sagot ni Erap,"Here in Alaska it's cold.....but in the
    Philippines it's hot".
    Nagtaka ngayon ang isang Alaskan repoter at tinanong si
    Erap,bakit daw.
    Sagot si Erap..."cause you see,the sun here in Alaska
    is only 110 volts .....in the Philippines,it's 220!"


    NO MORE
    After finishing the main course at lunch meeting with Clinton.
    Erap is asked if he would like another serving.
    Erap replies politely: "No thank you. I'm fed up already."

    ERAP's PET
    A chemical engineer, an accountant and a Erap are arguing about
    who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog and says
    "Liter, do your stuff." Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker
    in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and
    pours exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without
    spilling a drop. The accountant smiles and says, "Good, but
    watch this.
    He calls his dog and says," Abacus, do your stuff". Abacus goes
    to the kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts
    out six, which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking
    or eating any.
    Erap sneers and yells out "Coffee Break, go for it." Coffee
    Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, takes a dump
    on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs, complains that
    in doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working
    conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on
    sick leave.

    HIGH TECHNOLOGY ON CELL PHONE
    You'd be amazed at the sophistication of this technology! With the
    advance in technology, a well-established mobile phone company has
    finally come out with a dialing technology that is better than Phillip's
    voice-dial. This new dialing technology is known as "brain-dial. "To
    make a call, the user will just have to think of the party's nameand
    the phone will make the call for the user. During trial test inAsia,
    the company decided to let the leaders of the Asian countries to try
    out. With the phone on his ear, Taiwan's premier, Lee Teng Hui,try to
    call the CEO of Acer by thinking his name and the phone actuallydial
    the number.
    In Malaysia, PM Mahathir was also offered to be a trial user. With the
    phone on his ear, he think of calling his Foreign Minister, within a
    few seconds the phone dialed the number for him and they chatted for
    a long period regarding Anwar's torture. When the trial test come to
    Indonesia, Mr. Habibie decided to use the phone to call his wife, with
    this on his mind the phone automatically dialed the number and they have
    a long chat.
    Finally the phone has been sent to Singapore for Goh Chok Tong. With
    the phone, Mr. Goh used the brain-dialing function to call BG Lee Hsian
    Yang to persuade him to let Singtel Mobile have the phone to be on the
    market for sale as soon as it is released worldwide. With the impressive
    trial-test results, the engineers are confident that there are no bugs
    in the phone and decided to release the phone on the Asian market.
    But after looking at the trial result they felt the Philippines have
    been left out. One sunny day, Joseph Estrada was out fishing on his new
    presidential yacht, he received the trial-test phone. He decided to call
    his first lady Loi Estrada using brain-dialing function, so that he can
    boast to his wife that he caught a lot of fishes. He tried the brain-dialing
    for half a day but the brain-dialing just won't work. An error message
    was displayed on the screen.
    Error Message:
    SORRY, NO BRAIN DETECTED. PLS. TRY AGAIN LATER.
    Tawa naman kayo diyan!

    CRYING
    Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
    And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
    Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

    IN LABOR
    One particular day many years ago, Erap's
    wife was having labor pains.
    Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
    Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
    Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
    Erap: Yes, doc!
    Doc: Is this the first baby?
    Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

    QUIZ SHOW

    The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"
    Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?
    Erap: Clue please !!!
    Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"
    Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"
    Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....
    Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...
    Emcee: ngyek !!!...

    ANOTHER EXAMPLE
    Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
    ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
    ERAP: How about another Carabao?

    TESTING
    As Erap's Driver test drive it.
    Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
    (as driver switches on the parking light)
    Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
    Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
    Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
    Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
    Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......


    RANSOM
    Submitted by Barok
    While having talks with Muslim rebels,
    the rebels decided to kidnap and hold ERAP
    for ransom.
    "Being ERAP the president, we demand $1 Billion
    for his release otherwise, we'll behead him.",demanded
    the rebel group.
    Having a budget deficit, the government negotiators decided
    that for the country's good they'll let ERAP be sacrificed.
    They think he will understand the crisis.
    So the government negotiator said " NO, you can have ERAP."
    A few days later, they asked" How about a million not dollars
    but pesos."
    The government again said "NO, you can have ERAP."
    After several weeks the rebel group asked for another talk.
    Sensing that they will have ERAP for good, the rebels asked
    "How about just get him back."
    They government finally accepted because they do not have to
    pay any more ransom.
    Once back, the reporters asked ERAP, "Mr. President, how come they
    let you go without any ransom?"
    ERAP said, "They asked my request before I die and I said let me marry
    one of your women each day in captivity until the day you'll kill me.
    Being president, they said OK that I deserved it. The first day I
    married one beautiful muslim woman, the second day another, the third
    day another and so on. After 30 days, they said no more - they run out
    of women. They were thinking of sending me to Malaysia if no one will
    ransom me but the Malaysians said they will invade the rebel's
    hideout if they do. So they decided to just give me back."
    A reporter asked, "Sir, why not just kill you instead."
    ERAP replied, " With my 30 muslim wives, that won't be a good idea."

    ORDER
    Cofee shop in New York. Erap is thinking of what to order.
    The man to his left ask for "Coffee and Danish."
    The man to his right, "Coffee and English."
    Erap, with confidence and pride: "Coffee and Filipino!"


    ELECTRIC FAN
    Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and
    elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?

    Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
    Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

    WA CLASS
    Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can
    you say about the economy?"
    Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."

    What's the difference between Erap and Magic?
    Magic is an illusion, Erap is real.
    What's the similarities?
    The audience think they're both entertaining.

    THE POPE AND ERAP
    During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope.
    Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
    Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media.
    The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
    He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then
    Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his
    family.
    A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
    tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
    meeting with the President was a failure.
    Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just
    announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of
    the items discussed."
    Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
    Commandments."

    ERAP SA JEOPARDY
    Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"...
    Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto"
    Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....!
    Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa"....
    Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...

    Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas..
    ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."
    Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor"
    Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!!
    Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor ??
    Hinimatay ang Emcee.


    TRANSLATION
    Erap while translating a speech from Tagalog to English.
    "We must strive"
    Translation: Kailangan nating magsikap.
    "We must help others"
    Translation: Kailangan nating magtulungan.
    "In union there is strenght"
    Translation: SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!

    COMPARISON
    In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.
    In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.

    Update Date August 30,2000
    THE DIFFERENCE
    FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?
    ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!

    SUNOG
    Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming
    PSG para makalabas.
    "Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
    "Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
    Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.

    STYLE
    Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.
    "Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?"
    tanong ng reporter.
    "Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand
    for sex, my wife supplies?"
    Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"
    "Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni
    Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.

    SEX IN THE MOVIES
    Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"
    Erap: "I am against it. Ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex
    sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan."
    KAMUKHA DAW
    Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
    pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
    Erap: Mukha kang pera.

    FIRST LOVE
    Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:
    Reporter: First love?
    Erap: Never dies, syempre.
    Reporter: About your first crush?
    Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.
    BIRTHDAY

    Reporter: When is your birthday?
    Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday)
    Reporter: What year?
    Erap: Every year.

    ERAP AND UN
    What's UN's favorite drink?
    Erap: Of course, 7up, the UNcola.
    What's UN official dog?
    Erap: Of course, the "UNderdog".
    What's UN official Motto?
    Erap: Do UNto others, what you don't want others to do UNto you.
    What's UN official drink?
    Erap: Of course, Kofi Annan.

    OBSCENITIES
    While in New York city, a Erap bumped a NY Bronx man.
    Man: Hey, watch where you're goin' you "MUDAFUCKA".
    Erap : Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala, "MADAFA KA RIN SANA"!!

    THE ORDER
    In a Japanese restaurant.
    Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.
    Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.

    THE WIFE
    Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,
    "I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
    Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
    STARBUCKS
    ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks
    Waiter: DECAF?
    ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE

    NUTRIENTS
    While in a drug store.
    Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
    Pharmacist : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
    Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!

    DENTAL APPOINTMENT
    The Estrada's ' were shown into the dentist's office, where
    Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.
    "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or
    any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
    "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
    dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
    Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

    MASAKIT ANG TIYAN
    Erap: Doc, ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko.
    DOC: Ang ulo, parang tiyan, pag walang laman sumasakit!
    DIRECTION
    On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to
    pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot t
    ells Erap: "Sir, enemy plane comming in at 5 o'clock."
    Erap replies: "Good. We have time to plan our moves.
    It's only 4:25 by my watch."

    PHONE CALL
    Doctor: What happened to your ears?
    Erap: I was ironing my pants when the phone rang and
    I picked up the iron instead.
    Doctor: What happened to your other ear?
    Erap: The Son of a Bitch called back.

    HISTORICAL
    ERAP: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo.
    Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.
    PARE :Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.
    ERAP: Hindi, historical talaga, pare.
    Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang
    inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.

    WINNING
    Eraps walks into a casino where he see's a coke vending machine.
    He puts in some money and a coke falls out. He smiles and keeps
    putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. He does
    this for about an hour or so until an aide comes up to him and says
    "Havent you had enough, Sir?" and he says back, "No! Cant you see I'm
    winning!"

    NEW BOND
    Pierce Brosnan resigned from being James Bond
    and was substituted by a filipino actor named Joseph Estrada.
    IQ 007, First movie "His Brain Is Not Enough."
    Soon to be shown to theatres near you.

    LOVE CODE
    Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love
    messages tulad ng:
    ITALY - I truly adore and love you
    SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
    Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang
    gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:

    ABC - Always be careful
    DEF - Don't Ever forget
    GHI - Go Home Immediately
    JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
    NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should
    Treat U Very Well
    Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and
    natitira...XYZ.
    Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras,
    napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
    sinulat ang:

    XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!

    FRIES
    Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
    "Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries"
    order ni FVR sa ingles.
    "And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
    "The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
    sagot ni Erap.

    DA
    Sa Japanese ang gago o tanga "Da",
    Pag masyadong tanga "Honda",
    Sobrang tanga "Mazda"
    Saksakan ng tanga "Estrada"

    ABU SAYYAF TO SERVE THE ERAP'S GOVERNMENT
    With the continuing worsening of the situation and
    with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Jolo,
    the government has seriously considered negotiating
    with the Abu Sayyaf. One of the recommendations made
    in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and
    hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve
    the government.
    Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his
    Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended that
    Erap start hiring Muslims and commission them to
    head up the government agencies. Initially, with
    their qualifications and experiences, the following
    will be assigned to the these agencies of the
    government:
    Dept. of Justice - Abu Gado
    Dept. of National Defense - Abu Rido
    Dept. of Finance - Abu Nado
    Dept. of Social Welfare - Abu Loy
    Bureau of Customs - Abu Tan
    Phil. National Police - Abu Sado
    Dept. of Tourism - Abu So
    Dept. of Health - Abu Lario

    ERAP AND ST. PETER
    Hindi mo ba alam na narating na ni Erap ang
    pintuan ng langit?
    Ito ang nangyari:
    SAN PEDRO: Anong pangalan? (may hawak nang
    malaking susi)
    ERAP: Erap po
    SAN PEDRO: Ahhh, ikaw pala si Erap, Titingnan
    ko ang pangalan mo sa aklat ng buhay. (sabay bukas ng
    libro).
    Ummmmm, Makakapasok ka sa pintuan ng langit
    kung masasagot mo ang isa man langsa tatlo kong
    pagsubok.
    ERAP: Opo.
    SAN PEDRO: 1st question, Anu-anong mga araw sa
    isang linggo ang nagsisimula sa titik "T"?
    ERAP: Today and Tomorrow.
    SAN PEDRO: Ayyyy naku! Mali!! Pero may
    pangalawang pagkakataon ka pa. Ito ang pangalawang
    pagsubok. How many seconds are there in one year?
    ERAP: Syempre 12!
    SAN PEDRO: Ha! Bakit 12 lang?
    ERAP: Kasi po, di ba maroong Jan 2nd, February
    2nd,etc.
    SAN PEDRO: (Medyo nainis na) Alam mo mabait
    lang talaga ako, kaya siguro naman masasagot mo na
    itong huli kong tanong. What is the name of our
    Creator?
    ERAP: Eh di, si Harold po.
    SAN PEDROMuntik ng mabatukan si Erap) Sige
    nga, ipaliwanag mo kung bakit Harold ang sagot mo.
    ERAP: Kasi po, sa tuwing nagdadasal ako, ganito
    po.
    "Our Father "Harold" be thy name....."
    (Kaya hanggang ngayon kasama parin natin si
    Erap.)

    WHAT IS III
    NORA: Pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
    ERAP: Dats ezy! eh di pang LIMA! kaya nga "PIP"
    ang tawag sa kanya eh!

    A text message are now roaming around saying:
    "Mr. President, the people
    are JUETENG for you to resign !!!"
    "Does that mean VP Gloria Macapagal - Arroyo
    is President in Jueteng?"

    GROUP
    Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock
    of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of
    fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of
    wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
    Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
    Di anser is "asociation".

    NEWS
    NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was
    shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na
    tinamaan.

    BALANCE
    An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
    ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.

    NAMES
    An Erap's pregnant sister was involved in a car accident and,
    while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.
    When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer
    carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
    The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother
    of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should
    know that while you were in a coma, Erap named the children for
    you."
    "Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not him! He's not really all
    together, if you know what I mean!"
    The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter
    Denise."
    "Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
    "What's the boy's name?"
    The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

    TEXT JOKES I
    This is the text mesage going around:
    ATONG pa ANG inaantay mo MR.PRESIDENT.
    The people are "JUETENG " for you to resign.
    Hindi mo MALULUCIOTAN ITO. NACHABIT ka na!
    Kabayan ipasa ito para makarating kay ERAP.
    Bakit ang SARAO naging SARADO?
    Kasi mahina ang driver ng JEEP ni ERAP.
    NALUCIOTAN NA, NACHABIT PA.

    THE DOG
    As a boy, ERAP went to school everyday with his dog.
    But later, they had to separate and ERAP went to school alone.
    WHY ? BECAUSE THE DOG GRADUATED.

    SPEAK OUT
    IF ERAP COULD ONLY SPEAK HIS MIND,
    HE WOULD BE "SPEECHLESS"

    CEASEFIRE
    ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
    MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
    ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
    ACQUITED
    SEER to LOI: ERAP will not finish his term.
    He will be killed.
    LOI was shaken , then composed herself
    before asking: WILL I BE ACQUITED?

    COFFEE
    Pumasok si ERAP sa Starbucks.
    ERAP: Coffee please.
    Waiter:Would you like your coffee BLACK?
    ERAP: H m m m, WHAT OTHER COLOR DO YOU HAVE?
    SEASONS
    Teacher to ERAP: Name the 4 seasons.
    ERAP : KNORR , MAGGI, A1 AND TABASCO

    KASI
    GUEST: Sarap ng luto ng Misis mo!
    ERAP: Kasi mayroon siyang "URINARY SKILLS"

    HOLIDAY
    SEER to ERAP; you will die on a holiday.
    ERAP: which holiday.?
    SEER: ANY DAY YOU DIE WILL BE A HOLIDAY!


    VIP'S ON A SINKING SHIP:
    CLINTON: What do we do?
    YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT.
    ARAFAT: ALL WOMEN FIRST.
    SADDAM:FUCK THE WOMEN!
    ERAP: TALAGA! MAY ORAS PA BA?

    TOOTHPICKS
    Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.

    "Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente.
    "Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles,

    wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."


    ERAP'S WORDS OF WISDOM

    If the cat is away, the mouse is alone.
    If others can do it, don't help anymore.
    Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.

    Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.


    USE SENTENCE AGAIN

    "Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y
    estudyante pa lang.
    "May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.

    VIOLATION
    Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang may ginagawang di naisnais
    sa office niya.
    "Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
    "Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
    Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"

    GASOLINA
    Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan
    kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.
    "Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
    "Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas
    dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba
    ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at
    susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
    "Ang bait ni Erap."
    "Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng
    kailangan niya eh."
    "Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
    "Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."

    BRIDGE
    Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
    Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

    "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
    "Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong
    din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"


    HOMELESS

    "Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang
    interviewer kay Erap.

    "Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."

    "Ano po 'yun?"

    "Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."

    PREDICTION
    Madam Auring's Text Forecast;
    Good News: Erap will resign.
    Bad news: Jinggoy will become President.
    Worse news: Jude (his other son, rumored to be gay)
    will become first Lady.

    PAREHO SILA
    Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.

    "Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng
    babae.

    "Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.

    "I love to make love to a girl" paliwanag ng tomboy.

    Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho
    tayo ng hilig!"

    SATAN AND ERAP
    Satan appeared to Erap. Satan: I have a proposal -- you will finish
    your term, but in return I want your soul.
    Erap: Teka muna (Just a moment), what's the catch?

    INSURANCE
    Loi: Mahal, Ikinuha kita ng insurance (My love, I got you an
    insurance policy).
    Erap: Anong klase (What kind), life insurance?
    Loi: Fire insurance, dahil doon ang punta mo pag namatay ka (because
    that is where you will go after you die).

    WARNING
    Vatican warned Sin that he will go to hell while Erap will go to heaven.
    Why? 'Cuz when Sin talks, people sleep. When Erap talks, the nation prays.

    ANONG GATAS?
    "Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang
    presidente.

    "Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.

    "Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.

    "Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.

    "Ano yata Lactacyd."


    Q AND A
    Q: How does Erap say "Fuck You All" to the Filipino people in Tagalog?
    A: "Malinis ang aking konsyensya" ("My conscience is clear," his favorite refrain
    when aked about the latest scandal to hit him)

    Q: Bakit ayaw mag-resign ni Erap? (Why doesn't Erap want to resign?)
    A: Kasi hindi niya alam kung kanino ia-address ang resignation letter niya.
    (Because he doesn't know to whom to address his resignation letter).

    MAAWA
    Di na kayo naawa kay Erap. Di na kayo nahiya. Wala na kayong nakitang lokohin
    kungdi siya. Di ba ninyo alam na hulog siya ng langit? Una nga lang an ulo kaya tanga
    (You have no pity for Erap. You have no shame. You can't pick on anyone else but him.
    Don't you know he is heaven-sent? Except that he was dropped head first)

    LEARN MORE JAPANESE
    You are a liar: Dongpunokane (a play on the palace spokesman, Dong Puno)?
    Masyado kang sipsip (you're too much of a boot licker): Miriamkane
    (a play on Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago)?
    Lasenggo, sugarol, mataba, magnanakaw, bobo, etc.: Erapkane?

    ACT III
    Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center.
    Pagkatapos
    ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap.

    "Tara na."

    "Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.

    "Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng
    program
    sa
    asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"

    AIR PRESSURE
    Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang
    sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya
    lumapit ito.
    "Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi
    ng stewardess.
    Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang
    eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
    "Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.


    POPULATION GROWTH

    "Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang
    babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.
    "Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa
    ibang
    tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun at huwag natin
    palapitan
    sa lalake !"

    GUARANTEE

    Erap: Before the end of my term, I guarantee that the dollar-peso exchange rate
    will be one dollar is to one kilo of peso.
    NEWS
    News Flash:
    Similarity between Marcos and Erap: Both have AIDS. Marcos's AIDS: Acquired
    Income Deposited in Switzerland. Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.

    HARD AT WORK
    Mga Kabayan: (1) Our beloved President can always be found (2) hard at work
    with his Cabinet, without (3) wasting the country’s resources on cronies. He never
    (4) thinks twice about helping our countrymen, and he (5) decides firmly on political
    matters. He has absolutely no (6) vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound
    (7) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be ( classified as a
    high-caliber leader, the type who can’t be (9) dispensed with anytime. PS: Read only
    the odd-numbered lines.
    CRISIS
    The crisis in America is that they still don’t have a President.
    The crisis in the Philippines is that we still have a President.
    COLOR
    Another: Marcos was in red. Cory was in yellow. Ramos was in blue.
    But Erap is in peach.

    LEARN NEW FOREIGN WORDS
    "ERAP" in different languages:
    Japanese -- Haritanga (king of the dumb);
    Chinese -- Tatai-jueteng (father of illegal gambling)
    Arabic -- Ali Bobo (stupid)
    African -- Akimpa Yola (the payoff's mine!)
    German -- Dapat Ousten (he shoud be ousted)
    French -- Vo Vous (another play on bobo, or stupid);
    Indian --Talsikh Nhatin (let's get rid of him).


    HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL !!
    ERAP WIVES
    LOI - Lady Often Insulted.
    GUIA - Girl Using Intimacy for Advantage.
    LAARNI - Lamang sa Ari-Arian kaya No Imik
    (she bested the rest in amassing the
    estate, so she's silent and contented).

    JUETENG
    Q: If Loi is First Lady, ano naman si Guia (What is Guia)?
    A: Lady in jueteng (illegal gambling, with jueteng pronounced like "waiting").
    Q: Ano naman si Jinggoy (What is his son, Jinggoy)?
    A: Anak ng jueteng (son of illegal gambling, a play on a Filipino cussword).
    Q: Ano naman si Gloria Macapagal Arroyo (What is Vice-President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo)?
    A: jueteng (illegal gambling) and hoping.

    NOT SURE
    I'm not sure what life could bring you
    I'm not sure if dreams come true
    I'm not sure what love can do
    But I'm very sure about one thing: YOKO K ERAP
    (I don't want Erap, in short message service lingo.)

    ELECTORAL COLLEGE
    "That's one way we are efficient in this country.
    It's their electoral college which is the trouble.
    Look at me, not even college, yet I'm president!" the ERAP said.
    YOUNGER
    Erap is thinking what to say to Bush if ever he gets elected.
    "If (George W.) Bush should win, I should congratulate him
    for looking so young...By golly, when he was vice-president
    of my idol Ronald Reagan, he already had white hair."

    ERAP CAN'T HIDE
    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
    so God decided to change the admittance policy.
    The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you
    had to have a really bummer day on the day
    that you died. The policy would go into
    effect at noon the next day.
    So, the next day at 12:01 AM, the first
    person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the
    gate, remembering the new policy,
    promptly asked the man, "Before I let you
    in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
    you died."
    "No problem," the man said. "I came home to
    my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught
    my wife obviously having an affair....but her lover was
    nowhere in sight. Immediately I began
    searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me
    as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I
    was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
    balcony. Out there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
    The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
    his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
    landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
    die. This ticked me off even more.
    In a rage, I rushed back inside to get the
    first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
    Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
    was the refrigerator. I unplugged it,
    pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
    It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
    him! The excitement of the moment was so
    great that I had a heart ttack and died almost instantly."
    The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did
    have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,
    "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
    A few seconds later the next man on line came up. The Angel said,
    "Greetings, friend. Before I can let you in, I need to hear
    about what your day was like when you died."
    The man said, "You're not going to believe this. I was on the
    balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
    been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
    my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
    fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger
    tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man
    comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
    Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
    broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up
    on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy
    push his refrigerator - of all things - off the balcony. It falls the
    25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
    "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.
    "Very well sir," the Angel announces, "Welcome to the Kingdom
    of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
    A few seconds later, President Estrada
    comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
    Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
    Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like
    the day you died.
    "Estrada replies, "Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

    THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ERAP
    In the beginning, Jose Marcelo Ejercito studied at the Ateneo de Manila.
    And that school was filled with darkness and chaos because of him, so they
    expelled him.
    Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be LIGHTS, CAMERA,
    ACTION!" And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action movies, and they
    loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born. And it was so, in the evenings
    and mornings of his second decade.
    And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to fill my nights,
    celestial bodies to fill my bed, with beauty queens and actresses of all
    shapes and sizes." And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said,
    "Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name! In my name
    shall, ye fill the earth and subdue it." And the starlets begot him
    children, JV, JR, and other illegitimate children too numerous to mention,
    and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very good. And it
    was
    so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade.
    Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess' on the face of the
    earth, and he knelt and kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and said,
    "Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge undying loyalty to thee and
    thine own. Whether thou goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do." And so
    then Martial Law was declared, Erap set an example. He imprisoned those who
    opposed him, threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with violence if they
    did not comply. He did all the things that were right in his eyes, and no
    one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side.He ruled like a lord in his fief,
    and saw that it was good, very good. And it was so, on the mornings and
    evenings of his fourth decade.
    And during the past few decades, Erap said, "Let there be wine, smoke and
    jueteng. Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses. Let me be a shining
    example of all these vices. Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and be merry
    for tomorrow I will do it again." And it was so.
    But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow Brigade, because his god
    went to Hawaii. He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo. And Da Apo
    died in Hawaii, kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer, where his widow,
    Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani to
    this day. Erap was distraught, his god died, and he was fired by the canaries.
    And he raised his fist and shook it against the Yellow President and her
    cronies and said, "BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU! (Balang araw, ako ay
    maghihiganti!) I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)" And
    the earth trembled at his oath. And for a time there was some progress in
    the Philippines after Cory, but when the elections came, Erap said to the
    huddled, bleeding and ignorant masses, "IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO
    KAYO! AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!" And the masses, like sheep to the
    laughter, did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper
    English) VICTORY, to show the world that I am the president the masses
    love!" And it was so.
    And there was weeping and gnashing of teeth among the educated and the
    enlightened, for they knew that darkness and chaos had come not only in
    Ateneo, but the whole archipelago. But the masses cheered their hero, who
    was really a Macoy loyalist all the way. And Erap wanted his Ilokano 'god'
    buried with honors at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not let
    him, and he relented.
    Then all the cronies, all the kamag-anaks, kabits and 'toma'-dachis were
    appointed. People with questionable backgrounds went to the offices of
    ministers, assistant ministers, secretaries of state. The 'bebble gam'
    king became minister of defense. The son of 'god' became the governor of
    Ilocos Norte, his widow, Imeldific a senator, while the daughter of 'god'
    became congresswoman. Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.
    And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The first to feel his wrath
    were James Gordon of Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling)
    of the Board of Censors Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo,
    mayors both, not for winning in public office but for running in the
    opposition party. Joey Marquez was next.
    Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were persecuted and harassed with
    unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies. He bullied that small newspaper,
    the Manila Times and its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and
    spurious charges of tax evasion. And the Gokongweis apologized and
    withdrew the article, and Erap smiled that crooked smile, and walked that
    crooked walk, and said, "I won again!"
    And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed. he SAL (statement of
    assets and liabilities to track down possible candidates for kidnap or
    blackmail?), the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law) encouraged by
    this right hand man, Ping Lacson, the abolition of English as a second
    language I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing a brain
    drain these days, it might just work), legalizing gambling as a form of
    revenue jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).
    And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap in the office of
    Malacanang: the textbook scandal at DECS, the pyramid scam by Reli
    German's ex-wife, Baby; the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth parentage
    with Erap); the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con, the
    hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons? That is
    punishment!); the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino
    funds; the Imelda Marcos'pardon'; the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit; the vcr
    tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord; releasing the sons of
    Freddie Webb (Hubert Webb for the Visconde massacre) and Dolphy's son for
    arson and homicide for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother
    and children in it) just because their fathers are Erap's buddies.
    And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?" In a little while, after
    6 years, you may see it. Then again, you may not. And the misdeeds of
    Erap,his eraptions and his shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still
    being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).
    Thus endeth this gospel (for now).
    EDITOR'S NOTES:
    Some people say it's funny and others say not. Judge for yourself.

    KAIBAHAN NI ERAP AT NI ADAN.....
    Si Adan, kaibigan ni Lord,
    Si Erap, kaibigan Druglord.
    Si Adan, asawa si Eba,
    Si Erap, asawa Eba-iba.
    Si Adan, natukso ni Eba,
    Si Erap, natukso sa pera.
    Si Adan, wala pa nuong alam,
    Si Erap, hanggang ngayon walang alam.
    Si Adan, bibo,
    Si Erap, bobo.

    CLOCK
    In heaven, every one has a lie clock.
    Every time you lie the clock
    moves. Mother Teresa's clock never moved.
    Lincoln's clock moved only twice.
    ERAP's clock is being used by St. Peter as electric fan.
    ALLEGATIONS
    In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
    THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND
    I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.

    PRESIDENT
    Americans are complaining they still have no President.
    Filipinos are complaining " WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT"
    ------ibigay na lang kaya natin si ERAP sa mga Americano.

    WHITE CHRISTMAS
    Its going to be a White Christmas this year for us.

    Translation:
    "MAMUMUTI ANG MGA MATA NYO PERO HINDI MAG RE-RESIGN SI ERAP".

    PRAYERS
    ERAP PRAYER: GAMBLING FATHER, WHO IS IN JUETENG, HAKOT BE THY NAME, THY
    KICKBACK COME, THY WEALTH BE DONE, IN WACK WACK AS IN SAN JUAN. AMEN.
    Si ERAP nagsimba.- nasa "sign of peace" na. Sabi ng katabi niya - "
    IMPEACH BE WITH YOU"
    LORD, Help our President overcome all of the accusations of Gov.Singson.
    "LET HIM REST IN PEACE +++++++.

    HAIL
    Oficial band music for the President of the U S - HAIL TO THE CHIEF
    Official band music for ERAP - HAIL TO THE THIEF!

    SACRIFICE
    ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper
    which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go
    and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice.
    ERAP CLAPPED! ! !
    QUIZ
    Question: If people call ERAP "BUWAYA" what would you call Sonny Osmena?
    ANS: An ali"GAY"tor.
    LIBRARY
    ERAP walked to the Librarian and said: This is the most boring book I
    have ever read, It has no plot yet so many characters.
    LIBRARIAN: So it was you who took our PHONE BOOK! !

    DEMOCRACY
    Erap's definition of democracy:
    Government off the people, poor the people, and buy the people.
    BRO. MIKE
    Similarities between Erap and Bro. Mike:
    1. Both love the poor.
    2. Both collect money from the poor.
    3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor.
    SACRIFICE
    Erap and Cory were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only
    one. Cory said she will let go and gave speech about women always making
    sacrifice. Erap clapped.

    ERAP'S MI ULTIMO
    Erap's Mi Ultimo Adios
    El parte de jueteng wala na
    Mi compadres lords nabuking na
    El mansions mi queridas envistiga
    Mi amigos de la Camara el ultimo pag-asa.

    NASA PISO
    Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
    A: Sa tokens sa casino.

    AN ERAP X'MAS CAROL
    Caroling time:
    He sees you when you are gambling,
    He knows when you are drunk,
    He knows if you've been in bed with girls,
    So RESIGN for progress' sake.

    NEW ERAP COMMERCIAL
    Introducing Mr.unCLEAN, ang Presidenteng sanhi
    ng dumi't mantsa. Nabibili sa suking juetengan.
    Mula sa P&G-Prosper when you Gamble.

    PRESIDENTIAL UPDATE
    Bush-240 electoral votes, Gore-249 electoral votes.
    Erap, pakisaksak naman sa 220 electrical volts.
    BANANA REPUBLIC
    Q: Why is the Philippines called a banana republic?
    A: Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president.
    IQ CHECK
    Q: Why can't Erap resign?
    A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.
    NEWSFLASH
    Watch ABS-CBN News for the flash report regarding Erap! He
    just stepped down . . . . . . . . . . . .
    from his jeep!

    SECRET
    A man entered Malacanyang Palace and shouted: "Tanga si Erap 3X. He was
    convicted and was sentenced for 2 months in jail for oral defamation and 20
    years for revealing a government secret.
    GOOD AND BAD
    Good news: Pumayag na si Erap na magresign dahil sa people power.
    Bad news: Ayaw daw niya sa Hawaii magpaexile. Gusto niya sa Las Vegas.

    LORD'S PRAYER
    Erap and Jueteng Lord's Prayer:
    Gambling father who art in jueteng
    Hakot be thy name; Thy kickback come, thy wealth be done in
    Wack Wack as it is in San Juan.
    JUDAS
    Nagkita si Erap at si Judas sa hell.
    Judas: Bakit lakad mo pare, tagilid?
    Erap: Putris na Singson yun! Kung magdala ng pera, isang bag
    na panay papel at iyong isa puro barya!
    USAPANG WET
    Tawag sa basang pintura - wet paint
    Hitsurang basa - wet look
    Nabasang underwear while sleeping - wet dreams
    Presidente na basa na ang papel - Wet Teng Lord
    Q AND A
    Q: Why does Tessie A. Oreta love to accept bribes?
    A: Because she loves her brother Ninoy so much, she enjoys
    looking at those P500 bills.

    13
    Joseph Estrada's name contains 13 letters.
    He is the 13th President, has 13 kids and with an IQ of 13.
    Erap's impeachment was proposed on October 13.
    Articles of Impeachment were sent to the Senate on November 13
    and Erap will resign on December 13.
    ED'S NOTE: Not true, he's stil there.
    LEGACY
    Erap's legacy to the Filipino people . . . .
    May mga members ng El Shaddai ang galit na galit na kay Erap
    kaya nagtayo sila ng bagong grupo laban kay Erap.Tinawag nila itong
    . . . . . ERAP SHALDIE.

    PLEA
    Erap’s Ma: Maawa naman kayo kay Erap. Masyado naman siyang kawawa.
    Cory Aquino: Bakit naman?
    Erap’s Ma: Kasi nuong nag-aaral pa siya, hindi siya nakatapos.
    Ngayong Presidente na siya, hindi pa rin yata makakatapos.

    HAPPY
    Reporter: Mr. President, how do you keep all your women happy?
    Erap: Pa sing sing lang yan. Konting romansing and a lot of housing.

    ATONG ANG
    Heard that Erap, Chavit and Atong Ang are coming up with a movie. "My Best
    Friend's Jueteng."
    PILOT
    PAL pilot before landing: Mr. President, we have begun our descent to NAIA.
    Please fasten your zipper and return Weng to her upright position.
    ANG TAWAG
    Q: Kung ang tawag kay Marcos ay diktador, ano ang kay Erap?
    A: Eh di kubrador.

    CHRISTMAS CAROL
    Christmas carol for Erap, sung to the tune of ‘‘You Better Watch Out.’’
    ‘‘He sees you when you are gambling,
    He knows when you are drunk,
    He knows if you’ve been in bed with girls,
    So RESIGN for progress’ sake.’’

    Meanings of ERAP:
    Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
    Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
    Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
    Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak

    First Metro Manila Impeachment Film Festival
    1. "SUGATANG PUSO"
    Kuwento ng isang pangulong sugatan ang puso dahil ipinagkanulo ng kanyang
    matatalik na kaibigan.
    Kuwento rin ng isang Unang Ginang na may sugatang puso dahil makailang ulit
    na pinagtaksilan ng babaerong asawa.
    STARRING: Joseph Estrada, Luis Chavit Singson at Loi Ejercito.
    2. "TANGING YAMAN" (subtitle: 'TANGINA, ANG YAMAN!)
    Kuwento ng isang presidenteng gumamit ng alias upang maitago ang kanyang
    1.2 billion pesos na ilegal na yaman sa isang bangko. Sa isang
    kapana-panabik na eksena sa pelikula, buong tapang na tinanong ng private
    prosecutor ang Presidente: "Mr. President, itong 1.2 billion pesos lang ba
    ang inyong... tanging yaman?" "Oo," sagot ng Presidente. "Tangina, ang
    yaman!" sigaw ng prosecutor.
    STARRING: Jose Velarde (aka Joseph Estrada) and Mario "I haven't slept for
    the past 24 hours, Your Honor" Bautista (as the private prosecutor)
    3. "SPIRIT WARRIORS"
    Kuwento ng isang matapang na grupo ng mga kababaihan--2 bank managers,
    first VP ng isang bangko, isang accountant, isang sekretarya, at isang
    senior VP ng bangko (ang "surprise member" ng grupo)--na kumalaban sa isang
    malignong "mahilig"--mahilig mambabae, mahilig uminom, mahilig sa mansyon,
    mahilig makipagkaibigan sa iba pang maligno, mahilig mangolekta ng tong
    mula sa jueteng, at mahilig magdeposit ng ilegal na yaman sa bangko gamit
    ang isang alias.
    STARRING: Emma "Iniinom po ang iced tea, hindi kinakain, your Honor!" Lim,
    Menchu "Magkaibigan po kami ni Yolanda Ricarforte, your honor!" Itchon,
    Annie "Memorized ko ang account numbers, your honor!" Ngo, Edelquin
    "Ricaforte's our biggest depositor, your honor!" Dantes, Shakira "I' m
    still single, Your Honor!" Yu, Clarissa "I was one foot away from the
    President, your honor." Ocampo, and Joseph "Hindi ako 'yun!" Estrada as the
    "Malignong Mahilig" aka "Bad Spirit".

    4. PING LACSON: COMFORT GAY (to be released internationally as "CODENAME:
    MARKOVA")
    True to life story ng isang pulis na matinik sa wiretapping. Para
    makapag-espiya at makaganti sa kanyang mga kalaban, pumayag siyang maging
    comfort gay.
    STARRING: You know...
    - To be continued

    - Continuation
    In the heyday of his popularity.
    Erap was asked whether he felt great affinity with America’s embattled Clinton.
    "Why?" Erap was said to have inquired.
    "Because both of you have sex problems," the inquisitive reporter persisted.
    "I don’t know about Mr. Clinton," Estrada was reported to have replied.
    "I’ve got the sex, but he’s got the problem."

    5. SUGATANG YAMAN
    Part 2 ng "Tanging Yaman". Tungkol sa mga mansyon ng mga kerida at iba
    pang yaman ng Presidente na pinagdududahan ng buong bayan.
    STARRING: Joseph Estrada and a cast of thousand keridas. Special
    Participation: Imelda "may blood clot sa utak" Marcos bilang patron saint
    ng mga taong may tangi-nang yaman (na ilegal).
    7. DEATHROW
    Kuwento ng isang presidenteng inimpeach at bumagsak sa deathrow. Sa isang
    madamdaming tagpo, sinigawan ng presidente ang Diyos: "Lord, hindi ko po
    ginawa ang mga ibinibintang nila sa akin! Inosente po ako! Tamaan sana ako
    ng kidlat, kung nagsisinungaling ako!" Pagkasabi niya nito, hinataw siya
    ng Diyos ng kidlat. Ayun, tigbak siya agad. Happy ending para sa lahat!
    STARRING: Alam n'yo na 'yon!
    6. SUGATANG YAMAN (Triple-X version)
    Ang kaisa-isang Triple-X-rated movie sa pestebal. Tungkol sa isang Unang
    Ginang na nabaliw dahil sa pagtataksil ng asawang presidente. Para
    makipaghiganti, pinutol ng Unang Ginang ang ari ng Presidente, tinadtad
    ito, ginawang bopis at kilawin, at ipinakain sa mga kerida ng Pangulo.
    Tigbak ang Pangulo dahil naubusan ng dugo at ang mga kerida dahil na-food
    poisoning. Maaacquit
    ang Unang Ginang dahil nag-plead ng temporary insanity. Ang ending ng
    pelikula ay tatatak sa alaala ng mga manonood: may extreme close-up ng
    Unang Ginang. Tapos, sabay bitaw siya ng dialogue na: "Nasa akin pa rin ang
    huling halakhak! Hahahahahahahaha!" Ang temporary insanity ay naging
    permanente na...
    STARRING: Dra. Loi "Ako? Martir?" Ejercito, at ang "Apat na Sikat" (aka
    "Las Kulakadidangs")--Guia Gomez, Laarni Enriquez, Rowena Lopez, at Joy
    Melendres (in no particular order). Siyempre, mawawala ba ang kanilang
    leading man, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "Asiong Salonga".
    TANGKILIKIN ANG PELIKULANG PILIPINO!
    MANOOD NG METRO MANILA IMPEACHMENT FILM FESTIVAL!
    LABAS NGAYONG PASKO HANGGANG... KELAN PA?!

    LOTTO
    "If you win the lotto, what would you do with the money?" Erap was asked.
    "I will use it to buy Malacañang Palace," he answered.
    "Bakit, sir?"
    "Para hindi nila ako mapaalis doon."

    TULA NG MASA
    Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
    Pero dito sa amin, hindi yata bagay.
    Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
    Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.
    Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
    Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
    Ibinalik si Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
    Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.
    Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
    Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
    Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo,
    Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan, pati si Manero.
    Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
    Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
    Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
    Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.
    Sabi ni Erap, walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan...
    Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
    Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
    Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.
    Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
    Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
    Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
    Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.
    To be continued .....

    TULA NG MASA - continuation
    Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan
    Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
    Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
    Upang ang makinabang, ang mga mamayan.
    Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
    At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
    Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
    Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.
    Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
    Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling-wili dito.
    Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
    Presidenteng lasingero, babaero, at uto-uto.
    Habang si Erap ay kanilang ginogoyo,
    Kabi-kabilang raket ng mga tarantado!
    Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
    Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.
    Erap, hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
    Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
    Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
    Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.
    Erap, sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa 'yo.
    Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
    Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
    Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!
    .....KapitanKidlat
    GOOD AND BAD
    Good news: With the appointment of Edgardo Angara as executive
    secretary, Joseph Estrada will next step down as President.
    Bad news: He will be replaced by Jose Velarde.

    Noong bata pa si erap... ang palayaw niya ay TA NG...
    Isang araw, hinahanap si TA NG ng ina niya...
    Ina: TA NG, nasaan ka na?
    Kaibigan ni TA NG: Hoy TA NG ina mo hinahanap ka...
    Erap: Bakit mo ako minumura, ga go ka ha...
    at nag away ang dalawang magkaibigan...
    THE END...

    ISANG PLATITONG MANI
    Dumalaw si erap sa bahay ng isang mahirap at matandang lola.
    Erap: Oh masarap ba ang tsokolateng binigay ko sa inyo.
    Matanda: Opo. Salamat po.
    Nakita ni erap ang isang platitong mani sa lamesa at kinain agad
    habang nakaharap sa kamera para ipakitang kinakain nya ang pagkain ng mahirap.
    Erap: Naku naubos ko ang mani, pasensya na ho kayo lola
    Lola: Naku, okay lang ho prisidinti, nasipsip ka naman na yung tsokolate dyan.
    Erap: Aba, okay naman pala eh.

    Similarities between Erap and Brother Mike:
    1. Both love the poor.
    2. Both collect money from the poor.
    3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor

    ATONG'S RELATIVE
    Erap to the press: I just learned that Atong Ang
    has a relative in the Senate.
    Press: Really? Who is it?
    Erap: Her first name in Chinese is ‘‘Bu.’’

    PLEA FOR ERAP
    pls lang patawarin nyo na si erap tulad na pagpapatawad
    ninyo ke prisidinti marcos at kanyang family.
    Magtulungan tayong itayo ang negosyo ni erap para sa mahirap.
    Dahil marami ang umaasa sa lintik na huweteng na yan.
    Pls lang okay. Sige, kakantahan
    ko kayo...dahil sa yo...

    ERAP'S PRAYER
    Gambling father
    who art in jueteng
    hakot be thy name
    thy kickback come
    thy wealth be done,
    in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan.
    Give me this day
    My daily bribe
    And conceal all my trespasses
    As you
    And if I am led into temptation
    Deliver me from conviction
    For mine is the country,
    its power, and its money
    forever and ever
    ahem.
    Response:
    Aba Ginoong Estrada
    Napupuno ka ng kwarta
    Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
    Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
    At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming kulasisi mo.

    Erap's Mi ultimo Adios
    Mi parte de jueteng wala na.
    Mis compadres y lords nabuking na.
    Los mansiones de mis queridas ini-imbistiga
    Mis amigos de la Camara el ultimo pagasa.

    HULING PAALAM
    Ni Joseph "Jose Velarde" Estrada
    (Pasintabi kay Dr. Jose Rizal)
    Adios bayang aking pinagnakawan,
    Paalam bayang binusabos ng aking mga kaibigan.
    Mutyang dinusta't hinalay ni Atong Ang.
    Aalis akong batbat ng puna't kahihiyang
    Isinabit ni Chavit, alang kwentang tsokaran!
    Sa malawak na lansangan mula Edsa't Mendiola,
    Sambayanang galit ay nag-aalsa na,
    Sumisigaw silang ako'y mag-resign na
    At kung magmamaugas ako'y sisipain nila
    Sa kangkungan pupuluting tila mabahong basura.
    Akoy namamaalam upang dilira ay mapawi,
    Sa bayang ito na sobra nang sawi.
    Baka sakaling ekonomya'y makabawi
    Kapag nawala na mga barkada't kroni,
    At mga kalaguyong kagaya ni Laarni.
    Simula't sapul akoy may simpleng pangarap
    Kuwarta't babae, mga mansion ako'y makakalap
    Kaya naman lubos-lubos aking pagsisikap.
    Walang inatupag kundi ang pangongotong,
    Sa huweteng at two-ball, Abu Sayaff at kuratong.
    Kaya nang nahalal na maging pangulo,
    Tinipon ang barkada, kakosa't kalaguyo
    Tuwing hatinggabi sa pag-uuntugang baso
    Tampok sa usapan paano mapagkwartahan
    Buwis sa tabako, negosyo at pasugalan.
    Ngunit lintik ka Chavit, bakit mo ako isinabit-?
    Himutok ng dibdib lalong naging masakit
    Nang nabistong si Atong pala ay nangupit.
    Programa ko sa pabahay tuloy ay nabisto
    Di sa mahihirap, kundi sa mga kabit ko.
    Pa-impeach-impeach pa kayo, 'nong akala n'yo?
    Sa senado kaya kayo ay mananalo?
    Sa impeachment trial di kayo nakasisiguro
    Gaano man kabigat ng saksi ng prosekyusyon
    Alang kwenta lahat pagdating ng resolusyon.
    Labing-isang senador nasa aking panig!
    Kung gusto'y pangalanan ko pa aking mga kabig:
    Si John at Tessie na lisa ang bibig,
    Tig-sangmilyong balato, ayos na ang buto-buto
    Alang kaduda-duda kung kangino sila boboto.
    Naririyan si Miriam, aking pambato,
    Hindi umuurong kahit na kangino, '
    Huwag lang sindakin ng biglaang demo.
    Si Manong Johnny Enrile at bataang Honasan
    Mga kakamping lagi kong maaasahan.
    Si Niki Coseteng na umalis kunwari,
    Tulad ni Tatad na sa partido koy bumatsi
    Ngunit yan ay bahagi lamang ng panlalansi
    Sina Kit at Niki tiyak sa akin papanig
    Sa katotohanan ay hindi sila makikinig.
    Kay Tito Soto ay tiyak-tiyak na ako,
    Kay Ka Blas ay hindi rin ako kabado,
    Kay Ramon Revilla, itaga n'yo na sa bato.
    Si Jawo ang dapat na bantayan ng kalaban.
    Kapag nag-three point shot, tapos na ang laban.
    Yang impeachment ay para ring sugalan,
    Numero lamang ang pinaglalabanan.
    At sa numero't sugal kami ay namber wan,
    Tiyak na tiyak ako sa aking labing-isa,
    Kahit na anupamang gawing balasa.
    Ngunit ang aking lubos na ikinakaba
    Ay ang lansangang dumadamba.
    Protesta ng sambayanan patuloy na rumaragasa
    Sigaw ng mamamayan dapat ay mag-resign na,
    Patatalsikin kapag di kusang bumaba.
    Nasaan na kayo mga dati kong kasangga?
    Ano't iniwan akong nagdurusa?
    Atong Ang, nasaan ka hayop ka?
    Pareng FPJ, parang awa mo na,
    Saklolo Danding, Tan, Maceda, Imelda at iba pa.
    Kaya bago abutan ng bayang nagngangalit
    Baka sakaling pupuwede pang makapuslit.
    Paalam masang aking pinagtaksilan,
    Paalam sa bayang pinangakuan ko ng kasaganaan,
    Bakit kasi kayo naniwala sa aking islogan?
    Paalam na rin sa iyo Loi, aking namber wan
    Alam ko namang tiyak na ako'y iyong iiwan.
    Jinggoy, Jude, JV, mga anak sa loob at labas,
    magpaalam na rin kayo.
    mga kroni, kakosa, kainuman, kasugalan, kalaguyo
    Pare-pareho na tayong pupulutin sa kangkungan!

    ERAP TIDBITS
    Bakit daw malaki ang utang ng na loob ni Miriam Santiago kay Erap?
    Kasi, nangako si Erap na tutulungan si Miriam na hanapin sina Crispin at
    Basilio.
    Umamin na raw si Erap na siya si Jose Velarde... pero hindi naman daw
    siya si Joseph Estrada...

    Watch for the life story of Erap that will surpass the Metro Manila
    Film Festival Hit "Tanging Yaman" at the box office. The film is
    entitled "Tanginang Yaman."
    FPJ: Erap, mukhang mako-convict ka sa impeachment trial
    Erap: Di bale, trial pa lang yan, di pa naman final.


    THINGS I LEARN FROM THE IMPEACHMENT
    MEANING OF IMPEACHMENT
    I - impeach
    M - my
    P - pareng
    E - erap
    A - and
    C - company
    H - hudlom
    M - magnanakaw
    E - everything
    N - no
    T - thing
    LEGAL TERMS

    1. DUCES TECUM - Documentary Evidence
    2. AD TESTIFICANDUM - Witness as summoned
    3. FACTUM PROBANDUM - Proven Fact
    4. IMFACTA SANITARIUM - Miriam Santiago

    PUZZLE
    sabi ni erap kay loi, honey tignan mo yung puzzle na binuo ko ang ganda
    ano? sabi naman ni loi ang bagal mo namang binuo yan, umabot ka nang 6
    months. mabilis na nga yun eh,tignan mo itong kahon nakasulat 3 to 6
    years, oh di ba ,di ang bilis ko.. (3 to 6 years old ang gagamit erap)

    M & M

    galing ng states si mayor lim at may pasalubong para kay erap m&m peanut.
    after 1 week sabi ni mayor masarap ba yung pasalubong ko erap sabi naman
    ni erap oo masarap kaso umitim ang kuko ko sa kababalat..

    THE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
    Renato de Villa’s days as executive secretary are numbered.
    President Macapagal has decided to abolish the position.
    ‘‘I don’t need a Little President,’’ she said. ‘‘That’s me.’’
    SHOWBIZ
    Who are today’s top show-biz stars?
    Nora Aunor—Superstar
    Vilma Santos—Star for All Seasons
    Sharon Cuneta—Megastar
    Maricel Soriano—Diamond Star
    Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo—Twinkle, twinkle little star.

    TOO MANY
    A joke, delivered by Mr. Estrada at a dinner for the APEC Leaders:
    US President Clinton approaches Mr. Estrada during the summit to confide that he
    has a problem.
    ''I brought 50 security people with me and I don't know which of them is an assassin,''
    Clinton says.
    Overhearing Clinton's dilemma, Chinese President Jiang Zemin joins the conversation.
    ''I have the same problem,'' Jiang says. ''I have 60 security people with me and
    I don't know which of them is a spy.''
    Mr. Estrada is unimpressed. ''I think my problem is more serious,'' he says. ''I have
    100 economists with me and I don't know which of them is right.''


    MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES
    This incident happened long before Estrada was thrown out of office.

    President Clinton called President Estrada of the Philippines with an emergency:
    "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.
    "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"
    "Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to
    help you," replied Estrada.
    "I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms
    ASAP to tide us over?"
    "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Estrada.
    "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bill.
    "Yes?" said Estrada.
    Showing off, Bill said,"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in color and
    at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
    "No problem," replied Estrada, with that, Estrada hung up and called the owner
    of Philippine Prophilactic.
    "I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them
    to the White House."
    "Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics.
    "Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and
    4" wide."
    "Easily done. Anything else?"
    "Yeah," said Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE- SMALL' ."

    ANOTHER GLORIA JOKE
    When she first stepped into Malacañang Palace, President Macapagal recalled her
    childhood days there when her father, Diosdado Macapagal, was the President.
    "I grew up here," she said.
    "That’s not true," quipped an old member of the Malacañang household staff.
    "She never grew up."

    ERAP'S RESIGNATION lETTER
    Erap's Resignation Letter (J)
    Repablic of The phillipines
    Oficce of the President
    January 20, 2001
    Dear Pilipinos,
    I was very very sadenned by the fuct that some people were
    pointing accusations to me. As par as i know, my consience is
    clear, all of thier accusations are very wrong. I have no direck
    involvement on jueteng, i never violating any constitution lawses
    and i never corrupted the goverment. All of my wealth came from my
    gambling winnings, the boracay mansion was a gift to me by Lucio
    Tan, sabi ko babayaran ko na lang pag nag-remit na ang bingo2 ball.Kaso
    ayaw naman ni Singson, tanginang Luis yan, sinabit pa ako. Eh may
    parte din naman sya eh.
    Okay, okay i have many lots of girls around in me, well what can
    i do? Loi is not beutyfull isnt right?
    It was indeed very alarming for my family because they think
    what will happened to them if i was resign. Saan na ako kukuha ng
    pang-suporta sa mga anak ko ngayon? Paano na si Jude?hindi pa nga sya
    natatapos sa sex transplant nya, pinababawi ko nga ang binigay nyang Starex
    van kay Mickey Ferriols para pambile ng mga gamot nya. Lintik na Loi to,
    pilit na nagpapaganda mukha pa rin naman tuta.Buti pa si Laarni nasa
    Singapore na sya. Samantalang ako hangga ngayon wala pa ring Passport
    papuntang Singapore, pang-USA lang kasi yung binigay nila sa akin, wala
    kasi akong colored 1x1 na black and white ang background, meron ba nun?
    Colored tapos black and white ang background, gods must be crazzy !
    Paano na rin si Jinggoy? hindi na sya makakapambabae nyan,
    pangit pa naman sya, wala ng papatol sa kanya dahil maaubos na yung
    perang binigay sa kanya ni Singson.
    Ayaw ko sanang mag-resign dahil sa EDSA people power na yan,
    nung 1986 hindi naman ako nag-resign ah. Sabi kasi ni pareng ED Angara,
    okay lang na hindi muna ako mag-resign kasi di pa sya sumusweldo sa kin,
    wala pa kasi syang 1 month tapos, mawawalan na sya ng trabaho.
    Pinabubuksan ko na nga sana yung second envelope, para wala ng
    problema kaso huli na daw. Ito kasing si Tessie, wala naman syang alam kung
    ano ang laman ng envelope na yun, sumayaw-sayaw pa sya, ganun din ang steps
    nya pag nagbo-ballroom kami. Basta ang alam ko ang laman nun, picture ni
    John Osmena yun na naka-bikini, nung sumali sya sa Ms. Gay Cebu, tsaka picture
    din nina Tessie Oreta at Nikki Coseteng na nakikipag-sex kasama si Jay Manalo
    noong shower party ni Jackie.
    Ang mga grades ko sa Ateneo, na hiningi ng PCIBank noong nag-open
    ako ng account, kaya ang ginamit kong pangalan Jose Velarde na lang, at
    syanga pala, kasama din doon yung tinatago kong MENTAL records ni Miriam,
    tinatago ko kasi alam ni Cory na sira-ulo si Miriam. Kundi ba naman siya sira-ulo
    papanig ba sakin yun.
    Pero may pag-asa pa ako...si Ping Lacson, kahit kunwari bumligtad
    yun, hindi pa rin sya makakatakas sa akin, subukan lang nya.Ibubulgar ko
    yong pinag-hatian naming pera na nakuah nya sa KURATONG-BALELENG.
    So I resign as the president of this republic of the
    pihillipines.This is for the country. Bahala na kung mabubuhay pa kami.
    Paalam sa aking mga kaibigan na naging kaaway:
    Singson ! sabay tayong makukulong,
    Jaworski ! hindi ka naman marunong mag-basketball talaga, idol pa
    naman kita pero sabi ng misis mo hanggang dribol ka lang daw di ka raw marunong
    mag-shoot.
    Orly Mercado ! bahala ka sa buhay mo ! duwag ka naman e, ayaw mo
    ngang magpunta sa Mindanao para kunin yung parte ko sa ransom money!
    Afredo Lim! di na kita panonoorin sa KATAPAT, bulol ka naman e,
    ibubulgar ko na hindi naman puti ang buhok mo.. kundi balakubak!
    Nora Aunor ! tarantadong tyanak ka! kundi ko pa alam. type mo lang
    si Mikey Arroyo kaya ka sumali sa EDSA.
    Bong Revilla ! totoy gwapo ah..pwe! ang laki naman ng tyan mo!
    ibubulgar ko kay Lani Mercado.. may anak ka kay Gretchen Barreto!
    At ikaw ang tunay na ama ni ARA MINA.
    Paalam...
    Kay Josephine.. anak din naman kita.. kaya lang di ko kilala nanay mo.
    Kay Cardinal Sin...mabitay ka na sana!
    Kay Cory....type mo lang si Raul Roco kasi kamukha sya ni NINOY.
    Kay Annabel Rama... ang sarap pala ni Ruffa...lasang hollywood talaga.
    PS: pareng ATONG, magkita na lang tayo sa casino ni pareng lucio
    erap11: more Impeachment Text Jokes

    NEW BANK ACCOUNTS
    Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank.
    Jinggoy's under the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another
    owned by Jude under the name of JOSIE Velarde.

    INTERVIEW WITH ERAP
    Reporter:Ano po ba ang misis at mistress?
    Erap:Misis ang maybahay.Mistress ang may mansion.
    Reporter:Mr. Erap, accused ka daw for anti-labor?
    Erap:Sobra na sila!Ako pa ang anti-labor!? E, mga anak ko pinag-labor ng mga nanay nila!
    Reporter:Mr. Erap, sa ngayon what do you want to happen dito sa pilipinas?
    Erap:Alam mo, madami yan. Pero the #1 an gusto ko mangyari ay ......................................... mapalabas ulit yung Rosalinda.
    Reporterumadami ang mga allegations laban sayo, any reactions?
    Erap:Walangya! Ipakulong ang mga allegators na yan sa zoo!
    Reporter:Any last words before ending the interview?
    Erapfcourse! Thanks for the billions... este, billion thanks pala!


    ERAP GOT DRUNK
    Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a
    constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white
    shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.
    Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get
    him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the
    lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will
    ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the
    Republic?" Erap asked.
    The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't
    know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.
    "Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.
    "Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin." Sponsor

    PARACHUTE
    Nagka-engine trouble ang sinasakyang eroplano nina Erap at FVR kaya binigyan sila
    ng tig-isang parachute para makatalon palabas.
    Dahil sundalo at sanay si FVR sa ganito, pinauna niyang tumalon si Erap. Tumalon
    si Erap at nagbukas agad ang kanyang parachute.
    Sumunod si FVR, kaso, sira ang naibigay sa kanya at hindi iyon bumukas kaya bumulusok
    siyang pababa.
    Nakita ito ni Erap at sumigaw siya:
    "Ah karera pala ang gusto mo, ha? Teka!" sabay alis ni Erap ng suot niyang parachute
    para maunahan si FVR.


    ERAP'S NEW CAREER
    ERAP, after his impeachment (because of his meddling into the SEC affairs) decided
    to migrate to the USA. He comes to know that cattle farming is big business in US,
    so he buys several cows, hoping to breed them for milk, cheese, beef, etc. After
    several weeks, he notices that none of the cows are getting pregnant and calls the v
    et for help. The vet tells ERAP that he should try artificial insemination.
    Knowing ERAP, (he has no idea what this AI means), not wanting to display his ignorance,
    only asks the vet how will he know when the cows are pregnant. The vet tells him that
    they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when
    they are pregnant.
    After giving it some thought (for few hours or days), he comes to the conclusion that
    artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the cows. So, he loads the cows into
    his truck, drives them out into the woods and being the STUD he is, has sex with them
    all, brings them back and goes to bed.
    Next morning, ERAP looks out at the cows and seeing that they are all still standing
    around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the
    truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex twice with each cow for good
    measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
    The following morning, ERAP cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the cows.
    He asks LOI to look out and tell him if the cows are laying in the mud.
    "No," LOI says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"

    WRIST BAND
    Why does Erap always where that wrist band of his?
    So he can tell the diffrence between his right hand and left hand.
    One day Erap was talking to a friend on his cellular about a up coming movie, when
    all of a sudden he fell and broke his arm. He went to the hospital and the Dr. ask
    how he broke his arm, Erap said he was talking to his frien on his cellular and
    tripped on the phone cord.

    when Erap attended the last G-7 meeting as a guest,they were discussing
    the future of robotics,when ask if it could help the Philippines,
    he answered it is a problem because they keep kidnapping people.

    Note: Abu Sayaf's leader is Commander Robot.

    AKALA MO
    naka duty si erap bilang traffic officer sa isang crossing ng ortigas!
    habang nagbabantay sya, may isang lalaki na biglang dumapa at lumangoy
    patawid ng kalye kaya ng makita ni erap sinigawan nya ito " hoy! bawal
    yan " biglang bunot ng batuta ni erap at umupo sabay sagwan ng batuta nya.
    "kala mo makakatakas ka ha "

    GLORIA JOKES
    One more proof that Erap is no longer president is that his radio-TV show,
    "Jeep ni Erap," is no more.
    It will be replaced by a new show, "Stroller ni Gloria."
    GMA is wear designer clothes by Osh Kosh, shoes by Barbie.
    GMA should appoint Sen. Juan Flavier as vice president because he is the only
    one she can see eye-to-eye with.
    The reason GMA was late in moving to Malacañang yet is because her high chair is not ready.

    FOOT
    ERAP WAS SINGING AND DANCING WITH HIS GRANDMOTHER. HE GOES "PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN
    PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT" SUDDENLY HIS WIFR CORRECT HIM AND SAID NO DARLING YOUR WRONG.
    IT'S FEET NOT FOOT. ERAP: OK THANKS. SO HE SING IT AGAIN AND IT GOES "FOOT YOUR RIGHT
    FEET IN FOOT YOU RIGHT FEET OUT?!!!!!

    Scenario: Erap in a restaurant
    Waitress: Sir, are you done?
    Erap: No I'm not Dan, I'm Erap.
    Waitress: No, I mean are you finish?
    Erap: No, I'm a Filipino.
    Waitress: (Naku) No sir, what I mean is are you through?
    Erap: Ano ka ba! Syempre totoo ako. Hinde ako peke.


    (_!_) Regular Ass
    (__!__) Fat Ass
    (!) Tight Ass
    (_*_) Sore Ass
    (_E=mc2_) Smart Ass
    (_x_) Cute Ass
    (_ERAP_) Dumb Ass

    Kinds of Minds:
    Aristotle: great mind
    Einstien: genius mind
    Newton: extraordinary mind
    Marcos: brilliant mind
    Erap: never mind

    ERAP'S DIARY
    Saturday, April 28, 2001
    Dear Diary,
    Looks like I will be having more time writing to you. It's been a terrible week, Diary.
    Terrible. It's one indignayshun...indignituin....indig...they've insulted me.
    Fingerprinte like a common criminal! They took my mugshot like I was an ordinary thief!
    Well I'm not! I was....I am...I'm...basta President ako.
    Good thing my loyal friends are putting up a fight for me. I can hear them chanting all
    the way from the EDSA Shrine. "Sunduin si Erap" hehehe. It fattens my heart.
    Nakakataba ng puso. It's been three days since they've put me in this cell.
    May aircon nga wala naman mahjong table. Wala din TV. How do they expect me to live
    this way? The humiliation! Oh the discomfort! Walang bacalau! Walang red wine!
    Malakas humilik si Jinggoy di ako makatulog.
    I miss Loi. I miss Laarni. et al. (Hoy hindi bagong tsiks yan si Et al ha...
    it means "and all the others." Nalaman ko yan nung nabasa ko yung isinampang kaso
    sa akin ng Ombudsman.)
    Huhuhuhu...mga walang hiyang abogado yan. Kala ko pa naman magagaling. I thought
    they were good. Pati bahay gustong ipa aresto. They want a house arrest. Ang
    lalabo nila.
    Anyway, I shall sleep and rest. Tomorrow is another day.
    Ang pag asa ko na lang ay key FPJ para iligtas niya ako.

    VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES
    Manoling Morato: Kung nakinig lang kayo sa akin noong nakaraang election, di
    sana tayo ganito ngayon. Mas pinili pa ninyo kasi ang BOBO kesa sa BAKLA.
    Pinoy Additions to the Dictionary:
    Imeldific - 3,000 pairs of shoes
    Erapic - pinoy mafia
    Miriamic - La Vida Loca-loca
    Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank. Jinggoy's under
    the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another one owned by Jude under the name
    Josie Velarde.

    VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES II
    After witnessing Miriam go ballistic last Thursday, the nuns held an
    emergency meeting the following day and voted 22-0 to revert back the
    name of their school. Its back to MARYKNOLL!
    Miriam Defensor Santiago in different languages:
    Vietnamese: Pha Nget Shah
    African: Gha Gha
    Hindi: Bibi Lihin
    Japanese: Poo Tah
    Korean: Coo Rap
    Erap: Aba, malaking bituin! Dito na yata ang lugar kung saan ipinanganak
    si Kristo.
    Man: Nagkakamali po kayo.
    Erap: Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan?
    Man: Eh, kasi CALTEX ho ito!!!

    Newsflash: Ayaw na daw ng mga babae na magwitness sa
    impeachment trial!
    Kasi, ang tawag daw sa kanila ni Cong. Apostol ay "MADAM WETNESS"!!!

    Newsflash: Maceda & Enrile are plotting a coup d'etat.
    Enrile wants to
    be president and Maceda First Lady. And John Osme?a wants to be
    First Mistress.
    .
    VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES IV
    Mga makabagong mura:
    - Si Miriam ang ina mo!
    - Anak ka ni Miriam!
    - Mukhang Erap!
    Si Delia Rajas, COOK. Si Atong Ang, CROOK. Si
    Miriam,COOCOOROOCOOCOOK!
    Dito sa impeachment trial si Erap maaaring tama. Si Chavit maaaring
    tama.Si Ocampo maaaring tama. Si Dichavez maaring tama. Pero sigurado si
    Miriam, malaki ang tama!
    Now showing: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"
    starring: Loren as the The Good, Nikki as The Bad, Miriam as The
    Ugly, with special participation of John Osme?a as Pretty Woman.

    VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES V
    Si Gloria kasalubong si Erap lasing. . .
    Erap: Pangit 3X
    Gloria: Lasing 3X
    Erap: Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo,
    pangit ka pa rin.

    The prosecution is now after a joint account of FPJ and Erap,
    allegedly under the name FERNANDO JOSE.
    Jinggoy: Mommy, tingnan mo si Chavit, ang bobo sa math. Paanong
    naging governor 'yan?

    Loi: Psst! Huwag kang maingay. . . yung Daddy mo nga naging
    Presidente!
    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
    ha,ha, ha, ha,
    ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
    This is Miriam as she wakes up in the morning.
    Interviewer: Miriam, you deviated from the usual career path of
    attacking Erap
    to defending Erap, isn't that so?
    Miriam: Not so. It's from a low paying job to a high paying one.
    Q: Why was Apostol cited for contempt of court?
    A: Because he kept saying, "Madame Wetness, pleys examine your
    Exhibit KiKiKi
    ober der . . ."


    Chinese name equivalents:
    Tessie A - Wan Mee Liun
    John O - Ba Deeng Ba Lato
    Enrile - Ma Go Lang
    Maceda - Gus Tola Laque

    Professional Fees:
    Mendoza - USD50M
    Daza - PHP100M
    Narvasa - PHP150M
    Flaminiano - PHP50 per objection, kaya panay
    ang object.
    Modern dictionary:
    a. colloquy (kol'ao-kwee) - a formal kahnverseyshen.
    b. loquy loquy (lo'kwee lo'kwee) a med kahw dizeez aka miramisis
    topakesis

    Defense Liars: Cronies:
    Mendo SA Dante TAN
    Narva SA Lucio TAN

    All Equals... SATAN


    Sherap Files:
    Q: Why did Erap and the LAMP Party choose orange as their uniform?
    A: They don't have to buy a new set of uniform when they go to jail.
    Prosecutor: Ms. Rajas, totoo bang sweldo mo bilang Cook kina
    Atong Ang ay P3,000 a month lang?
    Rajas: P5,000 po... kaso iyong P3,000 napupunta po kay Erap.
    Si Datu Puti, may suka. Si Rufina at Lorins may patis. Si Miriam
    may..TOYO.
    Legal terms:
    Duces tecum - documentary evidence
    Ad testificandum - witness is summoned
    Factum probandum - proven fact
    Imfacta Sanitarium - Miriam in court
    Lucio Tan - 25% Filipino, 75% Chinese
    Erap - 30% Filipinol 70% alcohol
    Ernie Maceda & John Osme?a - 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
    Miriam D. Santiago - FLIP na!


    ERAP AFTER EDSA
    Mayroon pa ring ERAP jokes (no offense to erap-supporters...)
    1. Erap sending text message to Laarni.
    Laarni, mahal wag kang mag alala sa aking kalagayan. Nandito ako
    sa
    Veterans hospital, magaling mga veterinarians dito, alagang-alaga ako.
    2. EDSA 1 : free the nation from a dictator.
    EDSA 2 : free the nation from a thief.
    EDSA 3 : free lunch, dinner, breakfast and snacks too.
    3. PRO-ERAP leader to rallyists at Mendiola.
    Leader : Kayo ba ay hinakot
    Masa : Hindi !!!!
    Leader : Kayo ba ay pinuwersa
    Masa : Hindi !!!
    Leader : Kayo ba ay binayaran
    Masa : Hindi Pa !!!!

    ERAP AFTER EDSA.....
    4. Miriam Santiago has been arrested for enciting sedition and she
    chose to
    be confined at the Mental Hospital. Mas "feel at home" raw siya doon.
    5. Erap's conjugal visit schedule.
    Monday - Loi
    Tuesday - Ghia
    Wednesday - Laarni
    Thursday - Joy
    Friday - Weng
    Saturday - John Osmena
    Sunday - Ernie Maceda
    6. May bagong wrist band si Erap - BAKAL. (Kasi nakakulong sya ngayon)


    ERAP AFTER EDSA.....
    7. Miriam : Palpak ang Edsa 3 natin!
    Erap : Ha!? Bakit? Sabi mo mananalo tayo.
    Miriam : I Lied! I lied! Ha - ha - ha!
    8. Sumikip raw ang dibdib ni Ernie Maceda while under custody at
    dinala siya sa St. Luke's Hospital. Binawalan siya ng doktor na... mag-bra
    pansamantala.
    9. JV to Erap.
    JV : Dad, nasa "State of Rebellion" tayo ngayon!
    Erap : Bakit nila pinalitan ang pangalan ng Pilipinas? Ginaya
    pa nila sa "State of California".


    10. The street where Miriam's house in UP Village has been renamed
    after her. The street sign now reads: "Miriam Santiago St." (formerly
    "Matino St." - he-he-he)
    11. Nang bigyan si Erap ng prison uniform na may tatak na "P", napaiyak
    si Erap sa tuwa. Nagpasalamat siya at ang sabi "salamat at 'PANGULO' pa
    rin ako!"
    12. Erap during his check-up at Veterans' Hospital.
    Doc : Ikinalulungkot ko po pero you have BRAIN TU-MOR.
    Erap : Pero doc, they say I have NO BRAIN, and now you say I
    have TWO MORE? Ang gulo nyo!


    Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may
    bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit. "Lintek na ibon,
    iniputan ako."
    "Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
    "Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayona
    ang nalipad nila."

    BAKIT DAW
    Q: Bakit daw ayaw pabuksan ng 11 senators ang envelope?
    A: Kase sa loob, may picture nilang lahat nag-oorgy!
    Q: Bakit ayaw daw pabuksan ni Erap ang envelope?
    A: Kasi andon daw ang grades niya nung highschool.
    Q: Bakit ayaw ni Miriam pabuksan ang envelope?
    A: Andon daw kasi ang picture niya, naka-two-piece! (pwe!)
    PAYO
    Payo daw ni Bro. Mike kay Erap - "Magsisi ka."Ang ginawa ni Erap.
    Sinisi niya si Ramos, sinisi niya si Almonte, sinisi niyasi Cory,
    sinisi niya si GMA, etc.

    Jinggoy--- Itay, dentistry na lang kaya ang kukunin kong Kurso...
    Erap------ Anak, ang tagal naman ng Kurso na iyan, kailangan mo pang
    kumuha ng Dentist one, Dentist two bago ka mag Dentist three...
    Jinggoy---- Itay, 22 na lang pala ang alphabets ngayon?
    Erap------- Bakit Anak, ano ang nangyari sa ibang letra?
    Jinggoy---- Kasi narinig ko sa radio tatanggalin na ang ROTC


    Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
    Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
    Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.
    Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga.Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
    Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA
    Meaning of ERAP:
    Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
    Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
    Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
    Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak
    When Erap Got Drunk Print this page

    AN OLD ERAP STORY
    Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who
    supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the
    gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black
    ties and the ladies in black gowns.
    Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his
    Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady
    in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said.
    "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her
    to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President
    of the Republic?" Erap asked.
    The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why.
    Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate
    reason," Erap remarked.
    "Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your
    opinion," Erap said.
    "Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."

    Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
    Toes Go In First.
    How can you tell that it is Erap who sends you a fax?
    It has a stamp on it.
    Why can't Erap dial 911?
    He can't find the eleven on the phone!
    How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
    There is liquid paper all over the monitor.

    Victories of Loi
    She's in the Senate- away from rumors
    Erap is in prison - away from women
    Jude out of the military - away from boys!
    CAUSE
    What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
    around the home?
    He moved.
    WHY DID ERAP?
    How do you confuse Erap?
    Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
    Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
    Because it said concentrate.
    Why does Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
    The box said "2 to 4 years!"
    Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
    He thinks his picture is being taken.
    Update Date September 24, 2001
    Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
    WHAT LEADERS SAY ABOUT THE NY TRAGEDY
    British Prime Minister Tony Blair:
    "We all agreed that this attack was an attack not only
    on America, but on the free and democratic world"
    Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat:
    It is touching our hearts. It is very difficult to
    explain my feelings. God help them, God help them.

    Iranian President Mohammad Khatami:
    "My deep sympathy goes out to the American nation,
    particularly those who have suffered from the attacks
    and also the families of the victims"
    Pope John Paul II:
    "The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes
    emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of
    overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive
    life of a people"
    Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada:
    "Antaas taas kasi ng building e kaya tinamaan ng eroplano"

    ERAP'S PEN PAL LETTER
    Dearest Pal.
    Hello! How's life going on there. I hope that you are in
    good health upon receiving my letter or may be you got
    suspened "coz" you did not expect that you can receive
    a letter from me.
    But before the world prolong into a line may I ask first
    you a gretest apology if ever I disturb you rest and
    relaxation expecially that when you are in concentration
    of you studying. And at the same time Pal, I greet you
    pleasant hello. I hope you can enjoing your life there.
    Pal, maybe you ask to yourself there if were came I know
    your name. By the pal, I found your name from column of
    song hit. And then I decide to make this letter for the
    reason that I want also a friend in other places so don't
    think any malice here my lettter okey!.
    But before I go to further may I introduce first my simple
    personality to you. Well....... beginning for the love of
    my parent they got a boy and have a name. My name is Joseph
    Marcelo Ejercito. Joseph for short. I'm ...ty-four years old now.
    My heaight is 5'8" tall and 140 lbs. My birthday is coming
    every 19 of April 1937. Fair complexion under the zodiac
    sign of Aries . I'm a pure Filipino with little Chinesse blood.
    My mother is at home while my father is working as a golddigger..
    He's digging golds at the mines. My hobbies is playing ball
    games reading komiks books, participating in school activities.,
    and of course acting. I also like to listen to folk songs of
    Perry Como, Pat Boone, Everly Brothers and the Platters. I hate
    listening to instrumental music because they are always defective.
    I can't hear the voice of the songer.
    As for my school, I think my school likes me a lot. They
    don't want me to go after 8 years. They told me others could
    get post graduate degrees after college , they said I can do
    it here in high school. I only need two more years to complete
    my Algebra. My families were so happy for me..my father almost
    suffered a heart attack eveytime I showed him my report cards.
    Doesn't you think I'm good too?.
    My teacher also liked me . whenever she needed something done,
    she will called me. Like cleaning the board, scrubbing the floor
    and manning the garbage can. I'm also responsible in drawing
    conclusion to our laboratory experiments. Last time during our
    chemistrty class, when we are mixing different chemicals together
    and she wanted me to taste the result. I concluded that the
    solution is little bit deadly because I got hospitalized. They
    agreed.
    At the hospital, the lady doctor said that some of my brain
    cells got burned. I totally disagree with him because I know
    I didn't set my head on fire nor eat any lighted match. I only
    drank an acid solution. She laughed at me and told me I was funny.
    I think her name was Dr. Eloisa. She's cute.
    I think I finish also introducing my self to you and may be time
    is enough already for you to know who I am . Maybe this will be
    enough for you to guess myself, from now on you can describe my
    self in your imagination.
    Anyway Pal, I 'd like you answer me. Maybe you can send also your
    personal datas. Please I need you reply!!! I'm sorry for the
    handwriting, I have speech impediment eh.
    Regards to your family circle and especially to you. Take all
    necessary precautions.
    Your new friend,
    Just call me Erap.

    OLDIES BUT GOODIES
    Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung
    hinog na.
    FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna.
    Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
    Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
    Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
    PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
    Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!

    KASO
    Nag meeting si Erap at ang kanyang 13 abogado.
    ERAPnaghihinagpis): Jos ko po!.. bakit ako
    pinaparusahan ng ganito? Natalsik na ako't lahat..ayaw
    pa nila akong tigilan! What face will I front to my
    families?
    (TRANSLATION: Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa aking mga
    pamilya? ) Pati pagkain ko ng isda..kinasuhan pa rin
    nila! Mas gusto ko pa nga nang lechon kaysa isdang
    dapa.. Pero..bakit pati pagkain ko ng isdang dapa, may
    kaso?.. Bakit?? Sumagot kayo!!"
    Nagpulong yung mga abogado nang 1 minute and then
    lumapit yung lead lawyer kay Erap.
    Attorney (pabulong): "Boss, yung kaso ho nyo e"
    Plunder...hindi ho Flounder!!"
    ERAP(patay mali): "Kasuhan na nila ako ng kasuhan!..
    mag be-belo ako ng mag be-belo..Kahit na ilang belo
    isusuot ko wag lang akong makulong!.. Kahit wala ako
    sa simbahan mag be-belo pa rin ako!
    ..Matatalo ko pa si Cardinal Sin!..Tingnan natin kung
    sino ang mas mautak (lumalabas na yung uhog sa galit
    kaya sabay pahid..ginamit yung wristband)!!
    Nagpulong uli yung mga abogado nang 1 minute...lapit
    uli kay Erap yung lead lawyer.
    Attorney (pabulong uli pero medyo asar na) : " Boss,
    yung hinihingi ho natin ay B-a-i-l... hindi ho V-e-i-l!!"

    ERAP TRANSLATES
    LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER
    ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN
    LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER
    ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP
    BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH
    ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS

    Flash report:
    Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.
    "Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. "Pinakain ninyo
    ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang
    inyong toothpick."
    "Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap
    noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
    "May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
    Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
    Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
    "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
    "Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip
    ng maitatanong din. "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"

    GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.
    ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang
    Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan!

    ERAP: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone.
    DR: Is it choking?
    ERAP: No, it's Max's
    DR: I didn't mean Chowking, I said, "Are you choking?"
    ERAP: No I'm serious!

    Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie together. It
    will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored by the Ateneo Alumni
    Association.

    Scene: nasusunog ang rest house sa Tanay ni Erap!
    Guard: sir, dito po ang fire exit.
    Erap: gago! diyan na nga dadaan ang apoy eh!!

    Similarity of Marcos and Erap:Both have AIDS:
    Marcos' AIDS: Acquired Income Deposited in Switzerland
    Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.

    Satan appeared to Erap.
    Satan: I have a proposal. You will finish your term but in return I want your soul.
    Erap: Wait, wait, what's the catch?

    Erap was exiled to Burma and was making a long distance call. He made a long distance phone call...
    Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
    Erap: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
    Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
    Erap: Aybegurpardon. Can you repit agen plis?
    Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
    Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
    Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
    Erap: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
    Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
    Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
    Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
    Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.

    SINO?
    Jinggoy takes some law courses to get ready for the senate?
    Professor: Jinggoy, who wrote the writ of habeas corpus?
    Jinggoy: Aba, hindi ako sir!?
    Professor: Let's go see your father.
    At Erap's prison:
    Professor: Sir, I am the law professor of your son.
    I simply asked him who wrote the writ of habeas corpus,
    and he answered that he did not write it.
    Erap: Alam n'yo, Prof. Itong si Jinggoy, kung minsan palabiro lang.
    Pero hindi siya sinungaling. Kaya hindi po siya ang nagsulat ng sinasabi mong writ.
    As the professor angrily storms away, FPJ arrives to visit Erap.
    Erap: O, pare. Alam mo bang pinagbintangan ng professor na iyan na si Jinggoy
    ang nagsulat ng writ ni Mang Corpuz.
    FPJ: Kayo naman, e. Para sa kapakanan at kapayapaan ng lahat, dapat
    inamin na lang ninyo!

    DEVIL'S CALL
    During his visit to Malacañang Palace,
    Bush was intrigued by a new telephone capable
    of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly
    with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents.
    When he came back home, he found out that
    this same service was now available in the US too.
    He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000.
    Bush was distressed.
    How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents
    in the Philippines
    Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.

    What's For Lunch
    Erap, Pedro and Juan eat lunch together everyday. For almost 1 year they
    have the same lunch daily. Pedro has adobo, Juan has pinakbet and Erap
    tuna sandwich. Today, Juan says "pagod na akong puro pinakbet na lang
    araw-araw ang lunch ko, tomorrow pag panakbet pa rin tatalon na lang
    ako sa Pasig."
    "Ako rin" says Pedro,"pag adobo parin ang ulam ko bukas, mabuting pang
    tumalon na lang ako sa Pasig." Not to be outdone Erap said "Mi too, I'm
    tired of tuna sandwich everyday if I have this again tomorrow tatalon din ako."
    The next day, Pedro opened his lunch box and he found dinuguan and puto.
    He was so happy of the change. Next, Juan opened his and found bistik.
    "Ay salamat po" says Juan. Erap opened his and showed that he has tuna sandwich.
    Looking dejected biglang tayo siya at tumalon sa ilog Pasig. Pedro looks at
    Juan at medyo umiling and says "Hindi ko naman maintindihan si pareng Erap, eh
    siya ang gumagawa ng lunch niya."

    BILIN KI ERAP
    Bilin ng mother ni Erap ng bumisita siya:
    Anak, di mo na natapos ang pag-aaral mo,
    pati pagka presidente mo.
    Sana naman makapagtapos ka na ng jail term mo.
    Promise, huh?

    INFORMATION
    Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
    Operator: Just a minute sir...
    Erap: Thank you! (klik).

    SHAMPOO
    While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
    Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
    Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
    Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!

    THE PRESIDENT'S PUZZLE
    Fernando Poe walks into the Office and sees The President whooping
    and hollering. "What's the matter, Erap?" Poe inquired.
    "Nothing at all." I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time," the
    ex-President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3
    to 5 Years but I did it in a month!"

    Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer!
    Man: Bakit?
    Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!

    Erap sees a ballet performance. He sees four dancers tiptoeing ang twirling.
    Erap: Tanga rin ng choreographer no? Bat di nalang matangkad ang kinuha nila?

    Erap sa Sarap TV
    Erap: Masarap ang lulutuin ko ngayon. Apple pie!
    Host: Mr. President, umpisahan na natin. Ano-anu po ba ang ingredients?
    Erap: Siyempre, may apple. Kelangan din ng harina, gatas, itlog, asukal, at 2 durog na diatabs.
    Host: Ha? Para saan po ang diatabs.
    Erap: Baka may sumakit ang tyan. Mahirap nang ma-akusahan ng food poisoining. Wais to!

    Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
    Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
    Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.

    "Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
    "May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
    Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga. Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
    Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA
    Erap's spiritual adviser is Mike Velarde of El Shaddai.
    But he and his sons belong to different religions.
    Jinggoy - El Lagay;
    Jude - Dioskoday;
    Erap - El Puday

    Erap looked at the librarian and said:
    This is the most boring book I've ever read. It has no plot, yet so many characters.
    Librarian: Excuse Sir, that is a telephone directory.

    Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant.
    Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo?
    Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito!

    Q: Ano ang isa pang Chinese name ni Sen. Miriam Santiago?
    A: TY LE LENG.

    Erap: Bakit itinayo ang rebulto ni Andres Bonifacio sa Monumento?
    Cory: Siyempre, para magsilbing alaala sa kanya.
    Erap: An'tanga mo talaga.
    Cory: Bakit?
    Erap: Siyempre, kapag inihiga, eh di makakabuhol-buhol ang trafik.

    Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
    A: Sa tokens sa casino.

  5. #235
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    1,332

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    ang haba nun ah... hahaha

  6. #236
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Jeddah, K.S.A.
    Posts
    3,301

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    Tazmania, inubos mo na ata ang eraps joke, hehehehe.... tyaga mo...
    ___________ "SONG OF MARY" ____________
    Sing my Soul....
    the greatness of the Lord...


  7. #237
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    130

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    Quote Originally Posted by Bonnie View Post
    Tazmania, inubos mo na ata ang eraps joke, hehehehe.... tyaga mo...
    fave ko talaga mga erap jokes.. kaya pinost ko na lahat ng collections ko..sarap tumawa

  8. #238
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    766

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    hahaha...ilang taon mo inipon to taz? hahaha...

  9. #239
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Mainit, Surigao del Norte
    Posts
    512

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    how about gloria jokes?
    "Music is truly the universal language, it can dissolve boundaries and principalities like no other force on Earth."

    visit my blog:
    www.sensiblesenseless.blogspot.com

  10. #240
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    766

    Default Re: The Funniest Thread There Is!

    gloria jokes? shoot!

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